The Daily hockey beat used to run a video series during the 2011-12 season called “Quick Hits.” They were one-on-one interviews with players that covered everyday life and all of its funny moments. Now, it’s back in written format.
For the first edition of the semester, The Daily’s Molly Shea and Bailey Johnson sat down with freshmen Cam York and Johnny Beecher to discuss conspiracy theories, Deflategate and if a hot dog is a sandwich.
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This transcript has been lightly edited for length and clarity.
Molly: Is a hot dog a sandwich?
Cam: No.
Johnny: I wouldn’t say it is, no.
Molly: Why not? It has meat and it has bread, and those are the two main components of a sandwich.
Cam: Yeah, but there’s not two pieces of it.
Johnny: Yeah that’s true, it’s only one piece of bread.
Molly: But isn’t a sub a sandwich? And that’s one piece of bread.
Johnny: A sub? Why would you call it a sub?
Associate head coach Bill Muckalt walked through the office.
Bill: Do you call it a grinder or a sub?
Johnny: I call it a sub. Would you say a hot dog’s a sandwich?
Bill: You know what, at Portillo’s it might be. I love Portillo’s. Have you been to Portillo’s?
Molly: The chocolate cake shake is so good!
Bill: Not only that, the Italian beef with the hot peppers. Ugh, it’s the best. I would call it a grinder, hero, it’s all subs.
Johnny: I wouldn’t call a hot dog a sandwich.
Cam: I wouldn’t either.
Bailey: If the team was stranded on a deserted island, who would survive?
Cam: I would say myself, to be honest.
Johnny: What? You’d be one of the first to go, man.
Bailey: Why do you think it’s you?
Cam: I’m a good fisherman, I know how to fish. I can catch fish.
Johnny: That is true, you could eat.
Cam rubs his hands together like he’s going to start a fire.
Cam: I know how to make a fire out of wood.
Johnny: That’s a blatant lie.
Cam: I’m not kidding.
Johnny: I don’t know, I’d probably say (senior goaltender Hayden) Lavigne. He would just be good at the weird stuff and he would be able to do that stuff and survive somehow.
Cam: Jeez, he has a family.
Molly: If you were a superhero, what would be your power and your name?
Cam: Probably to fly, and I would say Forny.
Johnny: I don’t know. I’d say super strength or something like that, I don’t know what my name would be. Beech?
Molly: Do you guys believe in aliens?
Johnny: I think they’re out there somewhere. I feel like there’s gotta be another life form somewhere else in the universe, I don’t know.
Cam: I don’t know. We would’ve had an interaction with them already.
Molly: But what if the government’s covering it up?
Cam, dead serious: They wouldn’t do that to us.
Bailey: Are there any conspiracy theories y’all believe in?
Bill and program assistant Steve Shields entered the office from the smoothie room.
Johnny: Hey Shieldsy, you got any conspiracy theories?
Steve: I’ve got problems with conspiracy theories.
Molly: Which one?
Steve: All of ‘em.
Molly: The moon landing?
Steve: That is the biggest conspiracy I have problems with.
Molly: That it was fake or that it was real?
Steve: No, the fact that you’re even saying that. I’ve got problems with the moon landing, with flat earth people.
Jay “The Beav” Flannelly, known acquaintance of Tom Brady, entered the room.
Bill: What’s your favorite Deflategate conspiracy theory?
The Beav: Uh, that it even existed. That’s the whole point.
Steve: Cheating’s a part of the game. If you’re not cheating, you’re not trying.
The Beav: Tom was never the target of that. I think we know who the target was. I don’t know, his coach?
Steve, suddenly reappearing: Area 51.
Molly: You don’t think that’s real?
Steve: Do I think that aliens are real? No. There is a place called Area 51, but there’s no UFOs there.
Molly: But do UFOs in general exist?
Steve: No.
Molly: The universe is so big, there’s no way that they don’t.
Steve: The universe is so big? Prove it.
Molly: It’s constantly expanding. That’s physics. There are billions of galaxies.
Steve: If there were intelligent life forms somewhere in the universe, they would secretly come to this small little planet in a spaceship that we could recognize as a spaceship? It doesn’t make sense. Yeah, in theory, 100 years ago, before you knew anything existed beyond our sun, yeah. Yeah there’s people from outer space. But if they’re coming here, they’re coming here to kill us. It’s like the movies.
Assistant coach Kris Mayotte, who was standing next to Steve, chimed in.
Kris: Area 51’s real, what’s at Area 51 is fabricated.
Cam: Alright, let’s get this interview going.
Kris: Where do you gotta go?
Johnny: Eat dinner, homework.
Cam: Hang out with my girlfriend. Jeez.
The coaches trailed back to their half of the office, still arguing about aliens and Area 51.
Bailey: Who has the worst hair on the team?
Cam: Keto (freshman defenseman Keaton Pehrson).
Johnny: I don’t want to throw anybody under the bus. It’s kinda mean. I’d say (sophomore defenseman Nick) Blankenburg right now. He’s got a greasy mullet.
Cam: He does have a greasy mullet. We’ll both go with Blankenburg. Keto would be so pissed.
Johnny: He’d be mad at that.
Molly: When we did this with Keaton and Jack Summers, they said they wanted to be you, Cam. Which one of those two would you rather be?
Johnny: Definitely Sums.
Cam: Is neither an option? No, I’d be Sums.
Molly: Why?
Cam: He’s got good flow, he’s a pretty nice person.
Bailey: Johnny, what about you?
Johnny: Probably Luke Martin. He’s an absolute beauty. He’s one of the big boys with me, so I like that guy a lot. He’s funny. Fun to be around. If you’re him, you’re around him 24/7. Just having a good time.
Bailey: Do either of y’all have any useless talents?
Johnny: Useless talents? Not really, honestly. I don’t really do weird stuff.
Cam: I definitely do, but I can’t think of any.
Johnny: Do you like juggling?
Cam: I can tie fishing knots really good.
Johnny: That’s not useless, though.
Cam: That’s true.
Johnny: If we’re on the stranded island, you need it.