75 thoughts I had while watching ‘Wedding Crashers’

Remember that episode of “The Twilight Zone” when the man discovers that he is the last man on Earth, and then creams his jeans at the thought of finally being able to read in peace, only to break his glasses (in a pre-1-800-CONTACTS America) moments later? Well, it’s a little known fact that Rod Serling actually based that tragic tale on my week alone in Ann Arbor over spring break. Only, instead of reading books it’s watching television, and instead of breaking my glasses, it’s having the earth-shattering realization that I was caught up on all of my current shows. Ultimately, “The Twilight Zone” episode ends with the man blowing his brains out with a revolver, and in a way, my story ends in a similar manner: voluntarily choosing to watch “Wedding Crashers.”

Blame it on loneliness, blame it on a blissful ignorance of just how bad mid-2000s rom coms were, either way, I ended up sitting through the entire ordeal. Shockingly, as the credits rolled, I felt a strange sense of gratitude towards Hollywood. Sure, there’s “Green Book.” Sure, Steven Spielberg is actively trying to gate-keep high art from the masses. Sure, there’s the whole rampant racism/homophobia/misogyny thing, but at the very least, I can give a tip of my hat to Hollywood for flat out abandoning Vince Vaughn like half-eaten McDonald’s out a car window by the beginning of the 2010’s. I encourage all readers to find “Wedding Crashers” for themselves and either watch along as you read, or just use the bare minimum of your imagination … because that’s what the screenwriters did.

So, without any further delay, here are my 95 (or 75) theses against the human rights violation “Wedding Crashers.”

1. And we’re off to the races. You’re telling me these two guys who are cynical about love are … divorce attorneys? HA! Phew, let me wipe the tears from my eyes. That’s good shit right there.

2. Imagine a world where a female actress could have as fucked up a nose as Owen Wilson and consistently book bankable roles.

3. It has been two minutes – 120 seconds – and already: a man, in front of lawyers, has told his ex-wife to “go comatose,” Vince Vaughn pitched said ex-wife a very vivid and fetishistic fantasy of a Latin lover, and BOOM for the double whammy Vince Vaughn has already sexually harassed his coworker. THIS is the content I have been looking for!

4. Alright. Someone has to say it. “Glee” ripped its theme music from the title sequence of “Wedding Crashers.” You hear that, straight white men? I gave you credit for something! #AllLove #NotAllMen

5. Disclaimer: I will only be referring to the characters in the movie by the names of the actors that play them.

6. If the goal is nasty, anonymous, STI-laden sex, have they considered, oh, I don’t know … a bar? I’m serious. Like, I’m imagining myself in Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn’s shoes, and I feel like it’d be a helluva lot easier scoring punani at Applebee’s rather than a private event? Sure, women are desperate at weddings, but any more so than a woman who has decided to hit up a chain restaurant happy hour?

7. There was no faith that these characters would be likeable. If there was, this opening montage showing them as the “lives of the party” wouldn’t have lasted 45 fucking minutes.

8. Two turns this movie could take that would earn my support: Vince Vaughn is more interested in stealing food from the weddings than vag and/or Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn are the Harry and Sally who realize love has been right there the whole time.

9. MOTIF WATCH: The wedding crashers, two men very cavalier in their treatment of laws, casually grab breakfast on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial — which just so happens to be the same place where Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., known proponent of civil disobedience, gave his “I Have A Dream” speech. I smell a parallel!

10. Don’t you love it when exposition is presented as “rules” that the characters feel they have to announce to someone who should already know them?

11. Oh, cool! I forgot Rachel McAdams was in this. She really showed her comedic chops in “Mean Girls,” so hopefully she was casted in a role that will showcase tha—

12. OK. So she’s the love interest. Yup. This one’s gonna be boring.

13. “Well … the proper girl in the hat just eye-fucked the shit outta me.” Isn’t it a wonderful feeling when you see yourself and your thoughts represented in media! It’s like they read my mind!

14. Alright, the jig is up: I really only watched this movie to get tips on how to be a Guys’ Girl ™. So far, what I’m understanding is that the girls who are so jaded by love that they laugh condescendingly during their sister’s wedding vows are the ones who get the guy. And, by “the guy,” of course I mean the stranger ogling you from his pew seat.  

15. (W)hite (A)nglo (S)axon (P)rotestants + a pastel color scheme = one classy ass wedding.

16. Let me apologize. Previously, I wrote off Rachel McAdams’ character as being one-dimensional, but very quickly I have realized my error. She’s not just eye candy, au contraire, Rachel McAdams might be the most interesting character in this movie. Masquerading as a “nice girl,” but beneath the surface is a maniacal sociopath hell-bent on destroying her sisters for committing the cardinal sin of … just being a little superficial. Cool. Totally justified.

17. This movie really took one for the team. Who cares if the family looks nothing alike? What matters is that a blonde, a brunette and a redhead were all casted in this movie meaning that every white man will have one of his preferences represented. I love art.

18. Well, becoming friends with the senator was a piece of cake. Ted Cruz, hit me up if you ever want to … I don’t know … talk or whatever. rawr XD!

19. Ok, so Isla Fisher is definitely kidding about being a virgin and that is hilarious and all, but when you take a step back and consider her motivations for humiliating herself in front of complete strangers, it doesn’t really add up? Sis, it’s a funny bit, but what are you gaining from this?

20. And here I was, a simple Black woman, going through life thinking that rich WASPs were exclusionary. Little did I know, if you have one nice conversation with a wealthy white man not only will he take you on a boat ride, but will also take you and your friend back to their family compound (to study Dianetics!).

21. I guess I’m rooting for Bradley Cooper’s character. I don’t make the rules; I don’t choose my fate. I merely go where the wind takes me. He’s really giving me Nate Archibald vibes — if Nate was addicted to Adderall instead of dabbling in weed.

22. Again, Isla, where are you taking this plan, girlie?

23. The more you detach yourself from what is actually happening in this movie, the more you realize that “Wedding Crashers” could just as easily pass itself off as a psychological thriller. Everyone in this wedding party is unsettlingly creepy (possibly inbred?)

24. Speaking of the wedding party … um … where the fuck did the rest of the family go? Oh, I get it. Rather than inviting your extended family that was just at the wedding venue, you invite complete strangers (who are, by the way, very sloppily committing identity fraud) back to your intimate estate. You know what? Fuck what you heard, WASPs are cool.

25. Isla Fisher really had to perform a scene that was literally ripped from porn and had to pretend it was funny to appease her bosses. Do we start a GoFundMe?

26. Traditional dates are so over, real men ask the object of their affection to join them for some air outside. Bonus points if he does it in front of your fiancé.

27. I’m choosing to look past the Mrs. Robinson narrative they’re trying to force upon the audience because I can’t get over how perfect this mother would be for “The Real Housewives of New York City.” Countess Luann could never. Andy Cohen, cast this woman ASAP!

28. Scratch that — the mom has assaulted Owen Wilson and it was played for laughs. Amazing. Countess Luann actually could never. Andy, I’m sorry for the confusion.

29. ONE SCENE LATER, Vince Vaughn has also been touched inappropriately. Is this frat humor? Do you guys need to talk?

30. “Your family are nuts.” And just like that, subject-verb agreement is no longer sexy.

31. THEY’RE SPENDING THE NIGHT AT THE COMPOUND?

32. My conspiracy theory that the screenwriters have never breathed the same as a woman continues. The men behind this movie actually took pen to paper and dreamt up a scene wherein Rachel McAdams, after a day jam-packed with sexual tension, does NOT sneak into Owen Wilson’s room to finish what she started. No, ladies and gents no women with agency here. Instead, dear Rachel presses her ear to his door to … well … I’m not actually sure what she gained from this act?

33. Bradley Cooper, by far, is my favorite character in the entire movie. He is mid-vomit when Rachel McAdams decides that NOW is the best time for a deep talk about their relationship. Are we supposed to dislike him for just wanting peace, quiet and a 7UP?

34. Hold the phone — am I agreeing with Vince Vaughn’s character? Has there been a gas leak in my house?

35. “You’re falling for this broad?” Yes, this line was delivered as straight-faced as you think it was. We are supposed to take Vince Vaughn’s accusation seriously, but I’m not supposed to believe that Vince Vaughn holds an unrequited love for Owen Wilson? Sure, Jan.

36. Owen Wilson is being king o’ the douches. Basically holding your friend hostage at a stranger’s compound is one thing, but invoking Rule #1 of the Wedding Crashers Code to justify it? Not cool, man. Especially when Vince is running on no sleep. Oh, God … am I falling for this movie?

37. Boo-hoo, apparently we’re not supposed to be rooting for Bradley Cooper because he “cheats” on his “fiance.” A little party never killed nobody. We continue to stan.

38. Does this family have an agreement to always dress in theme?

39. Christopher Walken is somehow playing straight male patriarch less convincingly than he played Edna Turnblad in “Hairspray.” He’s giving me less authoritative father figure and more anthropomorphic slice of Real NY Pizza™.

40. FUN FACT: The small readers that Vince Vaughn wears in this scene can now be found at your local Urban Outfitters!

41. Finally, it has dawned on me who this movie’s target audience is: Overconfident guy in lecture who insists on stopping class to have unfunny banter with the professor, completely oblivious to the fact that no one is laughing with him and that Barstool is not cool.

42. BLACK CHARACTER ALERT! And he is … a doorman. Nice.

43. If I hear the words “venture capitalist” one more goddamn time I’m resurrecting Karl Marx and no one can stop me.

44. I’m sorry, I really am. I just can’t wrap my head around the idea that we’re supposed to believe that upper class WASPs, politically important ones at that, really let strangers stay in their house for an entire weekend? Was this a political stunt?

45. Owen Wilson. Chief, you cannot be justifiably angry that the woman you met two days ago already has a pre-existing relationship and has decided to pursue that instead of taking a chance on a relationship with a man who is actively lying to her face.

46. THIS IS HOW THEY’RE WRAPPING UP THE ISLA FISHER PLOTLINE? I’M DONE.

47. You can drink with a priest? Is that legal? I mean I know Catholic priests don’t really care what’s legal, but still?

48. Unrelated to the movie, asking for a friend: If you can drink with a priest, then you can you smoke with a priest?

49. “You know what, father? Maybe I’m fucking crazy.” Put it on my tombstone.

50. Imagine Vince Vaughn being in a play. Just imagine it. Not a high school play either, just really bad adult community theatre.

51. If you think about it, this movie is basically “Dirty John” from John’s perspective.

52. Oh no! The secret is out! How is there a ferry already coming in ten precise minutes? And I’m assuming Christopher Walken felt its approaching presence, because he didn’t check a watch, or phone, or a booklet?

53. Does Bradley Cooper have an extreme baby face in this movie or does he just look extra leathery now post- “A Star is Born?”

54. One thing the movie got right: If there’s anything rich white people hate, it’s calling the police. They’re not jumping at the chance to dial 9-1-1. So, it makes sense why these two fraudsters were politely asked to leave, and not given a police escort off the island.

55. Good word to describe Vince Vaughn: porky.

56. Owen Wilson’s clear descent into madness is being portrayed as though he is merely just a lovesick #softboi and I couldn’t be more pleased with his acting abilities.

57. Hey guys … I don’t know if you knew this but … Owen Wilson can’t act.

58. The Black man has let me down! Why are you helping Owen Wilson? This is Herman Cain all over again.

59. Rachel McAdams, darling, you are not bound to Bradley Cooper by law? You could just break up with him, which I suggest you do before your father wastes a fortune on this wedding.

60. Excuse me, could I just get a quick ID on Isla Fisher’s character? She is as emotionally unstable as I was during my middle school One Direction phase, and has only delivered lines with the cadence of a Gerber Baby. How old is she supposed to be?

61. Owen Wilson’s voicemail is PEAK emo. Simple Plan could never.

62. RACHEL, BABY, JUST BREAK UP WITH HIM.

63. How pissed do you think Isla Fisher was when her agent told her that Disney was going with Amy Adams instead for “Enchanted?”

64. Remember the episode of “Sex and The City” when Charlotte fucks the movie star? Would I be stepping out of line to hypothesize that it is fully based on Owen Wilson?

65. Fellas, do men actually care about being each other’s best men? #SoundOff #InTheComments

66. Well, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t expect Will Ferrell to weasel his way into this movie.

67. The lighting of this movie looks artificial. Just terrible.

68. I’m sorry. I really am. I’ll let it go (but I really won’t). While every woman in Hollywood is forced to get a nose job to book something as small as a Tide commercial, Owen Wilson is allowed to walk around with what looks like a broken peanut on his face. AND WE CALLED HIM HOT???

69. Rachel, does this confrontation absolutely have to happen in the middle of your younger sister’s wedding? Reader, if you’ve been keeping count, this marks TWO familial weddings Rachel McAdams has ruined in order to gain attention. I can’t scribble down these notes on how to be a Cool Girl™ fast enough.

70. This movie infuriates me. 2005 must have been a TRIP — this was the highest grossing movie of the year.

71. Thank you, Bradley Cooper for remaining the only sane person in this entire movie. You keep me grounded.

72. Spoke too soon. In the eleventh hour, B-Coops has let me down as well by getting borderline verbally abusive with his woman. Again, in front of her entire family. Again, in a public setting. But, still manages to be better than Owen Wilson who exploits Bradley’s breakdown to make an Ike Turner joke. No. I’m not kidding.

73. They really fucked up Vince Vaughn’s wedding and no one cares. Owen Wilson is the antagonist of this movie. Try and tell me otherwise.

74. Now that the wedding’s over … no honeymoon for the bride and groom? They just hop in a convertible a la “Grease” and drive off to … nowhere? You know what they say … it’s orgy o’clock somewhere.

75. I genuinely hated this. Goodnight.