College mating is a difficult process. Relationships are hard to come by. If you”re not part of the select lucky few couples that grace our campus then you probably are looking for love. Or sometimes you”re just looking for a little lovin.” It”s ok though, because we all are. So it”s safe to say that at any given party you”re sure to find the following cast of characters, all looking to find that certain someone even if it”s only for the night:
The “All About Hook Ups Guy” yes, this might sound the title that you would give a “player,” but this isn”t the old school player you found lurking the halls of your high school. This is the wannabe player. This is the kid who worshiped the real player in high school but just didn”t seem to have it together yet. So he came to college, got some girls during welcome week, and has devoted the rest of his days at Michigan to hooking up with as many girls as possible.
The Actual Player: This guy is also all about hooking up. But he has way more game than the guy listed above. He”s always gotten every girl he wanted, and frankly he doesn”t have to advertise all over town that he loves hooking up, because chances are every girl you”ve ever come in contact with can probably vouch for that.
The Hot Guy With No Game: This is a sad case. You”re admiring him from far away like he”s the next Brad Pitt and when he starts walking over to you, you”re pretty sure you might die of excitement. Then when he opens his mouth excuse me, if he opens his mouth he says something like, “I love this song.” You then realize this guy sucks, “cause the song playing is Mambo #5.
The rebound case: This guy or girl was probably in bed for days agonizing over the minute details of their long term relationship. But 40 minutes before you see this person they started drinking and now they want to move on. So give them a chance, cause hey, they”re on the rebound.
The drunk: This guy or girl is stumbling around trying to grab anything that is walking by them. This person”s outfit usually consists of black spandex, a navy hooded Michigan sweatshirt and a thick pair of beer goggles.
The On the Lows Girl: This girl loves hooking up. She hooks up with multiple people in one night. Yet, no one really knows. “Cause she”s shady. She pulls people into the crevices of the party and doesn”t talk about it later with her friends or that guy ever again.
The Kissing Whore: This is the girl who hasn”t yet left first base but she has a bad rep. Not that there”s anything wrong with not having left first base, but it”s not very nice to call this girl a “whore.”
The Actual Whore: Yes, it”s OK to call this girl a whore.
The girl on the phone with her boyfriend: Sometimes this girl is really drunk, most times she”s on the verge of tears, and almost always you can catch her hanging up in a fit of rage. And if you”re lucky she won”t knock you over on her way outside so she can hear her phone ring when her “baby” finally calls back to apologize for being so mean.
The Leech: This is the person that seems great before you hook up with them. They”re good-looking, interesting, good dancers so you make your move. Little did you know that this one is not going to leave you alone for the rest of the night. They soon begin to border on annoying, but leaving the leech usually isn”t an option. So sometimes your friend has to fake crying so you can fake console her. But more often than not you just have to make a run for it.
And then there”s me, the yeah right, like I”m gonna kiss and tell. I wouldn”t want you to think I was that girl.
Rebecca Isenberg can be reached via e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.