November is a time
for turkey, pumpkin pie and desperate networks attempting to make
people stop raking leaves and watch TV. Advertisers set their rates
in this critical sweeps period, so brace yourself for hard-hitting
interviews with embattled celebrities, unnecessary cameos on your
favorite shows, horrendous TV movies and a Britney Spears
concert.

Mira Levitan
What happened to ya T.V.? We use to be tight dawg. (Photos courtesy of ABC, NBC, FOX and Jive Records)
Mira Levitan
Mira Levitan

TV Movies

“Saving Jessica Lynch” Nov. 9 (NBC):

Steven Spielberg called; he wants his movie title back.

“The Elizabeth Smart Story” Nov. 9 (CBS):

If one tale of exploiting the headlines isn’t enough on
the 9th, CBS tries to one-up NBC with this Patty Hearst
wannabe’s drama.

“The Challenge” Nov. 15 (ABC):

Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen return to ABC as twins in a TV movie,
but unfortunately the rest of the Tanner clan isn’t invited.
Is John Stamos really too busy making those 10-10-987 commercials?
The girls are 18, rich and hot, but they should really avoid the
acting thing (see: “How the West was Fun”).

Specials

“The Andy Griffith Show Reunion: Back to
Mayberry” Nov. 11 (CBS):

Matlock, Richie Cunningham and Mr. Furley together again! If
only old people can stay up past eight …

“Britney Spears: In the Zone” Nov. 17
(ABC):

Lucky for male viewers, this taped concert can be muted. Mmmmm
… Britney …

“Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” Nov. 25
(NBC):

NBC needs these guys to make over its Tuesday night lineup. But
watch out, they’re really Crab People!

“American Idol: Christmas Songs” Nov. 25
(FOX):

Reuben, Clay, Kelly and Justin try to stretch out their 15
minutes of fame with more overexposure. A silent night is better
than hearing “Ms. Independent” belt out “I Saw
Momma Kissin’ Santa Claus.”

“Trista and Ryan’s Wedding” Nov. 26
(ABC):

Nick and Jessica eat your heart out; ABC is letting us see their
wedding. Trista probably knows that Buffalo wings are really
chicken, leaving any hopes of following this couple around after
their honeymoon less enticing.

 

Newsmagazines

“20/20” Nov. 7 (ABC):

Martha Stewart explains to Barbara Walters how to make a
delicious broth out of bread and water. Also, tips for making a
jail cell into a festive cubicle decorated with tinsel.

“48 Hours Investigates” Nov. 12 (CBS):

Robert Blake opens up to discuss the important things about his
life: his television career, the price of fame, and admiration of
O.J. for getting away with murdering his wife. Blake hopes to
follow suit.

Special Guest Stars

‘Hope and Faith” Nov. 7 (ABC):

Kelly Ripa phones a friend, bringing Regis back to primetime.
Hopefully ABC doesn’t take it the wrong way and start airing
this show 17 times a week.

“Las Vegas” Nov. 10 (NBC):

Wayne Newton guest starring on a show about Vegas is about as
obvious as Michael Jackson on “Extreme Makeover.”

“The West Wing” Nov. 12 (NBC):

“Chandler” (a.k.a. Matthew Perry) returns to the
White House. Could it be any easier to make a joke using the name
Monica when both “Friends” and the Oval Office are
involved?

“All of Us” Nov. 18 (UPN):

Will Smith returns to television comedy on a series he executive
produces, but where’s DJ Jazzy Jeff? Regardless, it’s
on UPN, so no one would watch anyways.

 

New Shows on Hiatus or Cancelled

“The Brotherhood of Poland, NH” CBS

At least David E. Kelly’s latest offering lasted a few
more episodes than “Girl’s Club” did last
year.

“The Mullets” UPN

Proof to the moron executives who green lit this garbage that
America at least has some shred of taste. Fans of super-trash can
still take refuge in “The Anna Nicole Show” and
“Jerry Springer.”

“Coupling” NBC

Sex apparently does not sell, or at least doesn’t make up
for a half-assed attempt at a sitcom. NBC is dead once
“Friends” moves out of the coffee shop.

“The Lyon’s Den” NBC

If Rob Lowe’s career continues to falter, maybe he will
accidentally make another underage porn tape? Either that, or aid
his newfound friend the Govinah in Caleeefooorneeea.

“Luis” Fox

Did anyone even know this show was on the air? Whoever cast Luis
Guzman as a leading man in a sitcom must be the same mastermind
behind “Joe Millionaire 2” and its cowboy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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