It’s 2:15 a.m. on a Saturday night. Club Oz is shutting down, and the bouncers are ushering the final drunken stragglers onto Fifth Avenue. The friends you came to the club with are either stumbling toward Studio 4 or getting a ride home with that random boy from Chem class. Noticing how your girls are dropping like flies, you suddenly realize you don’t want to spend another night alone watching reruns on the Cartoon Network. So you react instinctively and reach for your phone. Why? It’s booty call time!

Angela Cesere

The time has come again when you must resort to Old Faithful – that tried and true guy who always pulls through at the last minute to give the night a bona fide climax. You call Mr. Trusty, but he doesn’t pick up! Do you leave a voicemail? Call back later? Call someone else?

For anyone who has ever found themselves inebriated and pondering these same questions, I have assembled some simple strategies for successful booty calls:

 

Rule 1: Know Your Booty Call

Now is not the time to nonchalantly select a random for a one night stand – actually there is never a time for that. Instead, try someone that you have hooked up with before – someone that you know will be satisfying. Please refrain from calling any ex’s at this point! Underlying emotions of the sort are sure to creep back in and ruin the hit and run situation. Besides, there was a reason you broke up, remember?

 

Rule 2: Nighttime is the Right Time

Calling around midnight is a power move because it enables you to defer your target from going home with anyone else. Waiting until the clubs close, at 2 a.m., is also a safe bet. This way, he or she will be thinking of you as last call rolls around, and will be anxious to arrive at the next destination – your house.

 

Rule 3: No Bullshitting

When making that phone call, don’t beat around the bush. Don’t ask if your prospect wants to “come over and watch a movie,” if that is not your real intention. One of my friends has developed a signature technique that has never failed. When making a booty call, she asks (in her sexy voice), “Why don’t you come over and play with me?” What man could honestly deny such an enticing scenario? However, if your target screens the call, feel free to continue calling up to three times; even consider leaving a voice mail or text message. Remember: you are doing them a favor.

 

Rule 4: No Lovemaking

You are looking for a sex slave, not a soul mate. The best approach to keep the lust meter high and love level low is to avoid any prolonged eye contact, kissing or caressing. This is achieved by turning off the lights and by taking positions that do not require being situated face to face. Also, ardent dirty talk (instead of whispered sweet nothings) is a very appropriate addition to the ambiance.

 

Rule 5: No Deep Conversations

Don’t ask any questions for which you are not prepared to hear the answers. For instance, don’t make the mistake of asking an athlete how many other girls he is sleeping with at the time – because “one” is not a legitimate response. Other questions to avoid include, “Where are we going with this?” and, “Was that as good for you as it was for me?” In addition, be adamant to never ever let the “L” word slip – the repercussions could be devastating.

 

Rule 6: Not a Slumber Party

Your booty call should not sleep over (unless it is the first time you have hooked up or any other emergency situation). I mean, who genuinely enjoys an extra, sweaty person in your bed, stealing your covers and your best pillow, snoring as loud as a lawn mower, rolling onto you in the middle of the night, and pinning you against the wall while they stretch out upon three-fourths of your mattress?

 

Rule 7: You Can Take it with You

Beware of the those who consistently leave behind prized possessions. A favorite hat, T-shirt, earring or bra hidden under your bed was most likely planted there in a plot to come back for a recon mission. If this problem occurs more than once, your booty call is definitely scheming, and you have the right to claim ownership over any lost items.

 

Rule 8: No Public Appearances

This person is not your significant other, so you are not required to acknowledge him or her in public, under any circumstances. Why prompt any gossip? Keep on the down low, and leave at least a week’s worth of time in between all booty calls to avoid any suspicions.

If, while reading this, you found any rules to be appalling as opposed to appealing, I confidently assert that you are in need of a relationship and not a playmate. In that case, it is important not to get caught up with a booty call because it is nearly impossible to turn it into anything more than what it is – a partnership based on sex and not emotions or attachment. However, on your search to find Mr. Right, it doesn’t hurt to have the Mr. Right Now option, just in case.

 

Brooke hopes her next booty call will have read this column and taken notes. She can be reached at basnyder@umich.edu.

 

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