What a fascinating Spring Break week.
I’ve literally spent hours trying to focus my thoughts on
just one thing, but too much comes up for me to do that. So, in
fear that I am copying Bill Simmons’ Sports Guy ramblings,
here are “The Daily Janitor’s
Thoughts-Presented-in-Written-Text-for-The-Michigan-Daily-to-Use-on-its-Sports-Page:”

Beth Dykstra

Congratulations to the Michigan women’s swimming and
diving team on another Big Ten title. Not many coaches deserve more
success than Jim Richardson — if only for developing winners
in and out of the pool.

I went to Vegas this past weekend, and I must say being able to
win money off of the Pistons blowing out teams is a good thing.
Being in an airport bar to watch Michigan lose to Michigan State
was not as much fun.

Poker players are not athletes, but playing from 11 p.m. to 6:30
a.m. is stressful and emotionally taxing business —
especially when you’re down $87. (I ended up plus-$12 in that
game and would not like to discuss how any other gambling
went.)

Las Vegas cab drivers have no shame, and that’s a good
thing. If you want comedy, their conversations on hookers and drugs
are quite the thing. Our final cabbie even told us how, if he was
Jamal Lewis, he could have gotten away with everything that Lewis
didn’t get away with, and then-some.

Speaking of Lewis … what a moron.

Speaking of morons … those in charge of the BCS did
something right on Sunday when they announced the addition of a
fifth BCS bowl game. All they have to do now is pay Miami (Ohio)
and Marshall the $10 million owed to the MAC schools for being
snubbed in the first place.

The NFL also made some interesting announcements regarding its
future. Unfortunately, none of them involved using episodes of
“Playmakers” to prelude games. Instead, in order to
compete with the reality television/sitcom crap that is already on
the air, the NFL would like to forgo its history and tradition by
moving Monday Night Football to Thursday night. Apparently with
Friends leaving, the heads of the NFL saw this as a perfect
opportunity to tap that 18-to-50-year-old female demographic that
it had been missing for so long. Is it just me, or shouldn’t
a move like this come with the same consequences as the 1994
baseball strike? I, for one, will do what I didn’t do to
baseball and will abandon a sport that cannot uphold its own
tradition and cannot laugh at itself. Besides, college football is
on almost everyday, and, be honest, that’s really enough,
isn’t it?

This just in … the stuff that Colorado’s football
team has been busted for happens elsewhere. It also happens in
places outside of sports, too. So get off of Gary Barnett for
saying something stupid and not having complete and absolute
control over 100-plus boys. Believe it or not, people say stupid
things — like me defending Barnett. Until these young people
are brought up better (by parents, family and coaches alike), and
learn that when someone says “no” it means “get
the (expletive) away from me,” there are going to be
never-ending problems like these.

I’m sorry, but it amazes me that all the negative energy
of the media is being focused on Barnett when there is a
perpetrator out there. He is just as alleged as Kobe Bryant is, but
isn’t getting his family name thrown through the mud like
Barnett’s is. Someone brought up that young man long before
he got to Barnett, and they deserve to be in the burning spotlight
of the media as much as anyone else.

Not since Steve Bartman has there been so much undeserved blame
focused on one person when there is a whole bunch of people at
fault. (No offense Chicago, but blowing up a baseball isn’t
going to get you anywhere — signing Greg Maddux is.)

Where was I? Oh yeah, I didn’t mean to get off on a
tangent like that. My bad.

Red Wings plus Robert Lang equals imminent strike ready to
destroy the NHL. Oh yeah, it equals a Stanley Cup in Detroit too.
I’ll see y’all on Woodward.

Also, I’d like to ask Mary Sue Coleman a question: Any
chance we could get school off on April 8 for the Tigers’
home opener? It’d save me from having to make up some lame
excuse to my three teachers of why I wasn’t in class.
I’d even buy you a ticket and a hot dog in exchange for the
kind gesture.

According to CBS, Brent Petway’s nickname in high school
was “Throw it up,” because of his ability to leap.
Personally, I think the nickname totally reeks of awesomeness, but
whoever gave him that wasn’t trying to score originality
points. His high school’s point guard and coach were
respectively known as “Dribble a lot” and “Guide
us with your wisdom.”

Chris Webber’s former high school, Detroit Country Day, is
now being pressured to give up its three state titles that the
Michigan High School Athletic Association ruled Webber ineligible
for. It was also rumored that Tyra Banks would be forced to give up
her Sports Illustrated swimsuit cover as well.

Well, besides “Lord of the Rings” winning all 11
Oscars it was nominated for, George Steinbrenner now has Frodo as
his second baseman, and Merry, Pippin and Sam as his middle relief.
That’s about it.

I’ll be awaiting the e-mails to tell me how much better
Bill Simmons is at this than I am.

Kyle O’Neill would like to tell the girl at the MGM
Grand front desk that he thought she was very cute and would have
liked to have gotten to know her better had he not been leaving the
hotel and eventually catching an airplane. (Same goes for the
blonde girl at the Cheesecake Factory in Vegas.) He can be reached
at kylero@umich.edu.

Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *