Here is what happens when you mix poor decision-making on and off the field by professional athletes and a columnist’s desire to write songs.

Angela Cesere

To the tune of Kanye West’s “Gold Digger”

They’re real funny, oh yes indeed
Stupid pro athletes, some on TV
They’re thought as heroes
All of the time
This is fun to see

[Chorus]
Now, I’m not saying they should be heroes
But these moments should be ranked zero
Now, I’m not saying they should be heroes
But these moments should be ranked zero
Go ahead, please sit down and read
Go ahead, please sit down and read
Go ahead, please sit down and read
Go ahead, please sit down

[Verse 1]
Phil Mickleson
Could’ve really been No. 1
Winning the U.S. Open
Which was underneath his thumb
He said I don’t need the wood
I can go with my driver
Far as winning this, I should
With no sign of Tiger, what a blunder
Now I’m looking for the ball, have you seen it?
I finally found it while in its final decent and
A tent, that’s where it landed, poor Phil
And he’s gotta long battle ahead that’s up hill
OK, gets his iron, tries to shoot it through a tree
Which surprises me, the next shot he takes
Causes a heartbreache that rounded out his day
Although he messed up at Wingedfoot he still gets paid
But so what?
It takes a lot to shake that
Terrible loss without Tiger to combat
Around the Horn says there is no way he’ll come back
I don’t care what anyone says, he’s still fat.

[Chorus]

[Verse 2]
Just two years, just two years
Big Ben won the Super Bowl in just two short years
He got everyone around thinking he is a whiz
But riding with a helmet was a style not his
Now you see him on TV, early on a Monday
A messed up Suzuki, not a messed up Hyundai
He was supposed to be more careful while making his money
Instead he’s as stupid as Kellen Winslow, that dummy
He’s apologizing now, I hoped you learned something sonny
Bill Cowher doesn’t find this real funny
He goes up to Ben saying, “We want helmets
WE WANT HELMETS!”
Yeah, it’s something that he needs to wear
I’m sure from here on in he wouldn’t even dare
For one more year, one more year
To ride without protecting that big head of his

[Chorus]

[Verse 3]
Now I’m not saying they should be heroes, but that’s me
Whatever happened to the athlete that’s just caught with weed
J.J. Redick goes out to drink and then he must leave
Legal limit: .08, his is higher you best believe
But while he thinks no one is watching
The police notice his illegal u-turn and are notching
His poor decision baby, look in his eyes
Last week he’s shooting hoops, this week a DUI
But it doesn’t matter
It’s going to be alright though his rep is shattered
The Magic were calling and picked him up
So he needs no help
He came out smelling like roses like Michael Phelps.

– Bosch would like to sign with a major record label. Until then, he’ll stick to his day job. He can be reached at hectobos@umich.edu.

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