So I suppose I should consider it a blessing that I am still pumping out this column after three semesters. I am still here in all my angry black man glory, still trying to keep things as thorough as possible and I haven’t compromised myself yet, which means something, I suppose. I get a lot of heat from readers for having such a “negative” and “warped” view of the world, but the way I see it, the blinders came down for me a long time ago, giving me the ability to see the absurdity of the world, of people, and even of myself, and the mentality will forever stay with me, mentally, emotionally and in the physical form of the tattoo on my left arm.
I’m no miserable, antisocial, angry wretch keeled over a computer in a dark room getting off on flipping the world the bird; frankly I consider myself quite fortunate to be able to keep my mindset and participate in everyday life at the same time (a well-crafted skill I, tell you). Why should I have to conform to what society has laid before me? Why should I be tethered in the proverbial box that is every stereotype that I qualify for? Conformity is like a prison to me – you may as well put a gun to my head and pull the trigger.
For this time of transition into finals, I won’t run too deep on this column. I normally don’t do lists, as they are oftentimes indicative of a lousy writer, but hey, I got things to do as well, and lists are a nice way to vent, so without further ado, here is a number of things that don’t quite better my brief stay here on Earth:
Censorship. It is the idea that we cannot handle certain things that are said and showed to us. Everybody is always trying to silence someone else, which is sad because it yields the idea that there should only be one way and one voice. We so-called “open minded” liberals suffer from this and don’t even realize it … admiring a beautiful lady on the street, just to watch her lift a cigarette to her mouth and see all the attraction roll away in a puff of smoke … asses who wear their sunglasses indoors because they think it’s “cool …” muscle shirts on anyone, let alone cats with no muscles to speak of …
The idiots who were actually convinced that a grown man, let alone the president of our country and leader of the free world, choked on a pretzel. Can someone say “Budweiser …?” People that walk around in this god-awful cold Michigan weather in shorts and T-shirts. They think 45 degrees-plus is summertime and they look like damn fools and make the rest of us uncomfortable just looking at them … The Defend Affirmative Action Party, their mentalities, their methods, their actions and their clouded reasoning. They do not represent the standard mentality of blacks on this campus (uh-oh! I think I am a racist now!) … walking in on a circle jerk with Ruben Duran, J.J. Wilson and the rest of the writers at The Michigan Review ….
The pursuit of a relationship is enough to drive my otherwise grounded ass straight up the wall. It’s basically a glorified game, and if you haven’t mastered the motions you are bound to come up short every time … the widely accepted idea that Tupac Shakur and Biggie Smalls are the best emcees ever. Neither of them are the greatest – they are just above average rappers who happen to no longer be breathing. It’s another example of the completely ig’nant idea that greatness comes from death … White folks that live and die by the full-body tan. Sure the most beautiful women in the world are brown-skinned, but it’s almost like tanners are not content with the skin that they were born with. Makes you wonder ….
Dogmatism. People who stay stuck on a certain set of beliefs just because. The worst part about it is that a large amount of the people who hold their beliefs to be true can’t even point to the source and tell you why they think that way (never more present than in religion) … Condoms. They destroy the experience. Yeah, I know they are necessary but that doesn’t mean I have to like them … Having my field bitch Ruben Duran failing to properly bring in the dividends … these sorority pants with the Greek letters printed on the ass. Who came up with that? That has to be one of the wackest fashion ideas ever ….
About 90 percent of the fraternity parties on campus. I can stand around drinking Natty Light while listening to bad Nelly records and discussing the last episode of “The Sopranos” at home. Watching rhythm-free dancing and drunken girls fall over themselves while talking gibberish are added bonuses though, especially when they see you in class the following week with a mortified look on their faces … The general consensus that Bursley Hall sucks. It’s nice, peaceful, and we have a sense of community unlike any other hall on campus, particularly Markley, the Mecca of General Studies majors ….
DPS. They revel in their back asswardness. They remain inconsistent and obviously culturally biased when it comes to the level of security at social gatherings on campus. Obviously second tier toy cops whose applications to the police academy fell through … Weak souls who get all riled up when playing the Dozens. Do I really know your mom? Then qwitcherbitchen! … The Grammys and the Oscars. Enough said.
Ahh … that felt great. This column really was therapeutic – two weeks of incessant stress gone with a few strokes of keys. But I know that the stress a boomerang, waiting to come back and hit me. So, if you are a cute young lady with a good conversation and a better massage, please call 555- … oh, to hell with it. I’ll get at you all in the fall.
Dustin Seibert can be reached at email@example.com.