Think about your first date at a restaurant. Who paid? If you went on a heterosexual date, was it the guy? Was it the person who proposed the date? Better yet, were you one of the 56% of Americans who can get behind the idea of splitting the bill?
More than half of Americans think splitting the bill on a first date is perfectly acceptable. And I get it: Not all costs are created equal. Because of inflation, restaurant costs increased by 5.1% this year, outpacing the increasing cost of groceries at 1.7% during the same stretch of time. One person shouldn’t have to worry about another person’s meal when it’s already getting harder to justify going out to eat alone.
Nobody should feel pressured to split the bill, especially when someone else asks them out on a date. Ultimately, whether people choose to split the bill or not on a first date, and all dates afterward, should depend on a couple of things: which person asked the other out on a date and whether the couple mutually agreed to split prior.
A big reason why splitting the bill on first dates is frowned upon is because, to put it plainly, it comes across as tacky. Especially when one person can afford to treat the other, asking to split the bill can be perceived as offensive. Another reason why people don’t like to split is because it can be taken the wrong way. When someone goes out with friends, they are expected to split the bill, but when going out on a date, paying for the other person is seen as “chivalrous.”
Even beyond the first date, people don’t like to pay separate bills. The biggest underlying reason is that men are expected to pay. Nearly 80% of men in heterosexual relationships think they should be paying for the first date, and 55% of women agree that men should be the ones paying. These structures exist in LGBTQ+ relationships, too, but relationship dynamics factor in more as to who is paying.
Some women in heterosexual relationships also expect men to pay more because of preexisting oppressive structures. Women, for example, accumulate more expenses in purchasing women-specific products like menstrual pads and makeup. It is also more costly for women to maintain their looks because men value physical appearance more when looking for a partner. Therefore, because some women feel that they are “expected” to pay more when it comes to their looks, it’s only fair to them that men are expected to pay when going out.
I acknowledge that not splitting the bill can exacerbate gender roles and harmful relationship dynamics. I also acknowledge that splitting the bill can cause less stress.
However, when there is always an expectation to split costs, it can make people feel pressured to spend, decreasing a date’s romantic intentions. For instance, my friend’s boyfriend expected her to pay half for every meal they go out, even for food that she didn’t want in the first place. In turn, this made her feel like there was a lack of romance within her relationship.
Paying the bill doesn’t have to be gendered or reinforce a hierarchy within a relationship. Instead of always expecting the man, or the older and wealthier to pay, take turns. Each couple can treat the other to something within their budget: One person pays for the dinner, the other pays for the drinks. That way, couples can still feel like they are treated to a nice experience while not confronting heavy financial burdens.
As a couple progresses, and their finances become more intertwined, the line for who pays on dates gets blurry. Other bills like rent, car and utilities are also not always split “evenly.” Younger couples are increasingly splitting these kinds of bills based on income. The same kind of logic can be applied to dates: On fancier dates, the partner with more disposable income can treat the other, but the other partner can pay for another date that is more within their budget.
There are some instances where splitting the bill can be OK for a couple when going out. Setting boundaries for when you want to be treated versus when you would rather pay for your own food should be a conversation every couple should have.
My advice should be taken with a grain of salt. Each couple, and each individual, view finances and splitting finances differently, thus what I said above may not always be true for every single person. Above all, I ask that you and your partner sit down and have an honest conversation about what “fair” means to you.
Liv Frey is an Opinion Columnist writing about any and all kinds of relationships one can encounter in college. For questions, comments, concerns, inquiries or theories please reach out at livfrey@umich.edu.