As Valentine’s Day weekend comes to an end and everyone’s bouquet of roses slowly starts to wilt, I’ve decided to write another edition of my actual Instagram DMs in the style of Rupi Kaur poems, since these are quite frankly the most “romantic” messages people send me on Instagram.
October 5, 2021
A pet peeve of mine
Is people assuming
I don’t know anything
I open my DMs to read
“I’m originally from Warangal”
“Do you have any idea where it is”
Already fuming
Is this really what he’s using as his pick-up line?
I left this message on “seen”
Since
I already felt like I needed to hurl
But he later followed up with
“You have a lot of qualities I would prefer in my wife/girlfriend/dream girl”
Because a couple of Instagram pictures
And cheesy captions
Are enough to make a man
Picture me
As
His partner for good.
The following day he sent a couple more messages
“So do you run a restaurant”
Confused at this message,
I waited for him to follow up
“Your profile says Indian restaurant”
“So are you fond of Indian food”
October 26, 2021
Hyping myself up for MSU hate week
Receiving texts from Spartan friends reading “hope you’re ready to cry”
When a particular message was sent my way reading
Nothing but a simple “Hy”
I couldn’t help but laugh at the spelling
Then I saw the three dots
What more could he have to say?
“I’m from Andhra Indian”
“Sent you msg to build up network at USA”
No way this man is trying to network via Instagram DM
That wasn’t even his last text
As he followed up with
“I’m new here”
“It would be great if we can connect”
November 15, 2021
Just minding my business
Doing me
I open Instagram
To see
“Hi smarani”
I don’t respond
I mean why would I?
Some random guy
Sending me a text
He follows up a couple hours later
With
“Can we have virtual sex”
I thought how tough
To really think that would work
Then I see another message
Hours later
“Are you in love”
You’ve got to be kidding me
Then another message
“Do you love me?”
December 5, 2021
Michigan had just been titled 2021 Big Ten Champions
Victorious Instagram graphics being posted left and right
Nothing beats that feeling of school pride and spirit
Nothing can.
Then I swipe to my DMs to see
A random man has swiped up
On the graphic I posted
And asks
“What’s big ten?”
December 24, 2021
Vacationing with my family
Escaping flight delays
I look to my phone
To see a
Random message
“Looks like you already started enjoying holidays”
Not thinking much of it
Just focusing on my family
My parents
My siblings
When another string of messages
Comes through
“Initially I planned there for this holiday season”
“But not happening now”
“Atill trying”
The typo killed me
But again, simply opening the message
More notifications come in
“May be next year only i think”
“No one encourages here for me”
I screenshotted these messages
Sent them to friends
Who were dying of laughter on the floor
Then I get more
“i would like to come”
“i need someone with me to explore”
“so i am waiting for someone to come with me to explore”
MiC Columnist Smarani Komanduri can be reached at smaranik@umich.edu.