The writers of The Michigan Daily do it all. On top of being college students with full course loads, they roll up their sleeves to consume media and write. For the entertainment of our loyal readership — and to celebrate a holiday one editor has deemed Musical March — The Michigan Daily has revitalized and revamped “Baked, Buzzed, Bored.” For the sake of journalism, three or more writers sacrifice their health and 3+ hours of their life to watch a TV show or Film while either high (“baked”), drunk (“buzzed”) or sober (“bored”). This article was lightly edited to maintain the authenticity of the piece.
Content warning: mentions of violence against animals, sexually explicit language
Baked A
Before movie, we are all writing sentences to compare handwriting. Buzzed B is insulting someone’s Ts.
“I don’t believe in doctors. Wait, not in that way.” – Buzzed A
Talking about the ethics of getting stuck in Paris.
Everyone is obsessing over Buzzed A’s cat. He is quite lovely.
Good boba is a must for bubble tea. I really want bubble tea.
Now ranking sandwich places but the movie started yay
Why is this framing happening. What’s the deal with the British day school.
Gym teacher looks like he’d ask you to turn and cough.
Is that Dumbledore??? no wait the guy from Jurassic park.
Where is God? Wheres religion? This is in Russian now.
These subtitles are autotranslating from Russian and they’re horrible
I used to watch this on VHS and I am seeing it now for the first time in the best way.
COAT IN MANY COLORS
Why is this so much framing Jacob and Sons
Donny Osmand is the favorite for obvious reasons.
But what about the children! She had to lift Donny Osmands hair!
The children are making me really uncomfortable in their crayon ass color correct suits
Male harmony man. Was that a dick joke?
We got to the guys and dolls part huh. Why is the narrator sex dancing with these brothers??
This is edutainment. Biblical they beat him up and thrown down a well. And sold to camels
THEY KILLED A GOAT FOR FUN TO BE NOT KOSHER.
One more Angel in Heaven sounds like it’s from Kentucky.
Man fights a goat and goat wins. Ten four good buddy.
Bored A keeps playing with the cat. Boo.
This is a shindig in Canaan. The hell.
It’s so energetic and it’s tiring.
Adams family New York Yankees? What is going on. These mummies are like assaulting and touching up Joseph.
They’re sexualizing this biblical figure. How old is Joseph???
He got thrown down aNOTHER well what the shit.
Alc-emy
This is like a pharaoh hair like he has extensions in.
“Mario and Luigi in parallel… I dunno.” – buzzed B
He wants to sing so loudly and long that he can get back to his family.
“Go go go Joseph. Where’s god?” – Buzzed B
Still hankering for bubble tea.
“You could say that she was from the bee’s knees” – me
How do the bee and Baker get into Joseph’s cell?? Where did it go? It’s a disco!! Jetsons disco
Throuple with God? The gay agenda?
The narrator is here too much. No recap no plot.
PBS after school special vibes
When can we get Phoebe Bridgers to cover one of these songs?
Pharrellvis
ALW needs to learn how to cut songs. They are all incredibly long. Could be two minutes but it feels forever
Pajamas just got rhymes with farmers and I’m mad about it.
Why he have wonder women arm bands and no shirt.
Wedgies by everyone
A WAP shoe
Why are you telling homeless to slay!!
What’s this Russian Spanish vaguely ballero dancing.
This is tango Maureen but Egyptian.
The dog skeletons were a choice and a half
Predating Into the Woods and having a narrator interact?
So much sound coming out of this screen.
Benjamin got got. He went spread Jesus on the stairs.
This has been an episode of glee.
Why is this Caribbean calypso music? For a “it’s not me” song
This is surprisingly homoerotic and sexual. Very progressive of the times.
Did they hug and make up? There’s dancing. Did Joseph do anything? There hasn’t been a freaking technicolor dream coat in ages
Jacob back bitches.
Did Joseph become pharaoh? When has he joined? Is the narrator mom?
I’m gonna forget like all of these songs as soon as it ends. Damn.
JEWISH STAR GUYS. WE GOT RECOGNITION.
Buzzed A
had some Chardonnay. wasn’t the Josh brand never Trust a Josh
everyone is trying to point out who they recognize from other movies just like my parents
10/10 cat loaf
Is this the sequel or the prequel to Jesus
i am not a bible. I don’t know what’s going on
this looks like shit
Why is Hillary Clinton in this
this is so yass slay
my cat is OBSESSED with bored A.
is it a dreamcoat or a raincoat
I don’t know what’s going on.
what’s the Bible? Is that a prerequisite
Bored A is playing with my cat once again
gender bending? apparently
talking about how to cut our pets nails
square dancing out of nowhere
gimp suits? Thought this was the Bible
Joseph falling with an acceleration of -9.8 m/s^2
me and Joseph have the same curl pattern <3
Joseph has such a big forehead oh my god.
little Debbie Is in this??
they have horse therapy in New Jersey ?
joe bidden
quasi liza minelli
tokenism or representation
so confused
I still don’t know what’s going on
Buzzed B
we went on a 7/11 and no Thai run. Thank god. Was swaying in the no Thai mid area.
Bored and Buzzed A want subtitles on. The subtitles are really off and people keep commenting on it. They’re on now.
The scene in the desert looks like miffy background. Is his wig real or not? Bored and I believe that it is teal because of the receding hairline. You can’t fake that stuff. unless…. no.
The actor for Joseph reminds me of jim Carrey. Maybe I’m just not used to seeing expressive men.
Joseph’s brothers just ripped appart a goat. Trigger warning: violence against animals.
Bored A is playing with cat. Not bored enough. sober. High on life.
Lotta shapes and squares. Frankenstein guy (pontus) is pretty good at singing. Three out of five are sining along.
The queen of Egypt has a harem who are all wearing pasties. Oh no. There undressing him. “None of Joseph’s verbal questions have indicated any kind of consent” – Bored B.
^so true.
How many fingers could fit on Joseph’s forehead. I feel like a lot could. At least 6.
People are singing on tv but I’m too engrossed in baked A’s recollections of growing up in a weird school district.
Movie ended and I didn’t realize. I’m confused. I wish it was longer.
Bored A
gotta fess up — i’ll be nursing a beer throughout this entire thing. i won’t get drunk! one beer will not get me there, i promise.
that note was written about an hour ago. we went to get snacks and sat around talking shit. the movie is finally starting.
the narrator always makes me cringe so hard. idk what it is. so much eyebrow acting from her.
DONNY OSMOND!!! he’s not ugly ngl
i literally grew up watching this. had it on dvd. i literally know all of the words. i’m doing all of the ‘ahhh’s with the children in this opening number.
a real pioneer in colorblind casting.
this lipstick is doing NOTHING for the narrator.
the brothers were right to throw joseph down the well. narcissist ass
this movie is literally camp. i’ve said it before and i stand by it: andrew lloyd webber gets the closest to nailing camp of any straight man ever
buzzed b is trying to explain the bible to buzzed a
i got bored (HA) and decided to play with buzzed a’s cat. he’s perfect
the choreography in this show is so fucking good
kitty is loafing
young donny osmond kinda fine though!!!
THE BUTLER IS LITERALLY EDWARD FROM THE CROWN
i feel like these notes might indicate i’m drunk. swear to god i’m not.
fatphobia yikes
the drunks are chanting “KISS KISS KISS” at the chef and joseph
i just filled out payroll instead of watching the movie. literally hilarious to think that i’m gonna somehow make money from doing this.
this actor is pulling a justin trudeau by way of elvis who made his career by pulling vocal justin trudeau
this costuming is NOT appropriate for children
FRANCOPHOBIA
“you know water is food, right?” — bored b
getting tired
Bored B
I’m not rocking with the font on these intro credits.
Is that Kris Kringle!?
I’m not convinced anyone has identified an actor properly.
My school assemblies weren’t like this
Is he supposed to be their age
I’m not sure if I’m loving this… the narrator makes me uncomfortable.
Joseph knows no humility
Is there non-sung dialogue in this?
Somebody call lassie, Joseph’s in the well!
The children look devastated about that.
I can’t keep track of this vibe at all.
This is anxiety-inspiring
I really hope Joseph is of age
Why does he have an abacus
None of Joseph’s verbal cues have indicated consent
Joseph knows no humility pt 2
I assumed this movie was about a child with a cool coat, and it’s not
The kids in the audience are liking this more than me
Imagine growing up after playing one of these children
I’m out of thoughts tbh
Pharaoh’s got a mean wedgie
That’s a phallic microphone
The scene changed and people are clothed
That corn’s got GMOs for sure
This has the nightman cometh vibes
I’m surprised there hasn’t been an explicit sex scene