Dear Love,
I want to preface this letter by clarifying that this isn’t a self-pity party. I just want to understand you.
I’ve never experienced you, Love. I’ve definitely had a fair share of loves — and great ones, at that. But, so far, my life’s loves have all consisted of platonic and familial bonds. And while I appreciate these bonds so very much, I can’t help but wonder if there’s something more in store for me.
I wonder when you will finally happen for me, Love. I dream of meeting my person. The one who wholeheartedly understands every single beat of my heart and what they each mean. The one with whom I want to share every single thought that forms in my mind. The one who will shower me with my favorite type of hugs and kisses without me having to ask them to. The one who will just get me.
Don’t get me wrong though, Love. I’ve always been satisfied with my platonic loves. They’ve been with me through every up and down in my life, each one guiding me in distinct ways. But some of my best platonic friends have experienced you personally, Love, and their perspectives fill me with happiness for them and curiosity for myself.
And so, Love, I’ve intentionally decided to put myself through an emotional rollercoaster of sorts. Remember my platonic friends? The ones who’ve forever tinged my life in a specifically obscure hue? Well, I decided to ask each of them what you mean to them, and I’m using their input to better inform my fantasy about you.
My friend Olive insists she’s never experienced you, Love. Despite this, she’s a very romantic person. She firmly believes that you are a flexible feeling that morphs according to the people who are performing the act of loving. Whenever you finally waltz into her life, she expects to feel a constant sense of safety that lies within a comforting sort of uncertainty. Her perspective of you has curiously informed my perspective of you. When I dream of you, Love, and how you’ll hopefully and eventually show up in my life, I fantasize about feeling safe and comforted, even if I don’t know how long you’ll last.
My friend Amber has also never tried her hand with you, Love. When I ask her about you, she kind of freezes. She says she doesn’t think about you much. Or at all. Which I find very intriguing, given that I think and wonder and dream about you all the time. I wish I wasn’t so all-consumed by the prospect of you, Love. I wish I was more like Amber, at least when it comes to you.
My friend Violet, on the other hand … She’s experienced you, Love. She is resolute in the fact that you should never feel exhausting or draining, but that you should feel exciting. She maintains that you, Love, should make the people experiencing you feel like they will always be there for each other, and if there comes a point when the relationship withers, there will always be mutual respect for what was shared. I really like how Violet frames you, Love. She positions herself in a place where she will likely never be taken advantage of whenever you’re in the mix. She accepts that you bring a fulfilling experience into the lives of many, but that respect must always play a role to ensure a sense of control. When I dream of you, Love, I fantasize about existing in a relationship in a way that demands respect, but also makes me feel giddy and excited at the prospect of being loved.
My friend Scarlet has experienced a most wonderful version of you, Love. She’s firm in her belief that when you’re true, you feel like a safety net. If she were to ever fall, the person she loves will always be there to help her up. Seeing Scarlet fall into you was such an awe-inspiring journey. As she broke down her barriers to welcome someone new, I got to meet so many new versions of my dear friend. I think I’ve never seen her this happy. I just hope that, when I fall into you, Love, I get to experience you in a similar way.
My friend Clementine feels like she’s never been close to you, Love. When she thinks of you, she can’t really come up with any way to describe you, which saddens her. Everything she knows about you, she’s learned through the fictional couples in her favorite movies and TV shows, but she understands that you might not actually look like that in real life. I relate to her understanding of you, Love, and I must admit it also makes me feel kind of sad.
My friend Rose claims that she has never felt you, Love, yet I consider her one of the most romantic people I know. In her mind, when you are genuine, you make the people experiencing you feel safe. She thinks that when you meet that person, they shouldn’t make you feel anxious or worried, but rather happy and comforted. I hope that Rose finds you soon, Love. My dream for her is that she falls into you so boldly that she never falls out of you. And not to sound selfish, but I fantasize about that happening to me too.
My friend Lilac considers it true that she has experienced you, Love. When explaining how you feel, she described you as a warm hug that provides a sense of security. To Lilac, you mean looking at a person and wanting to make them happy and shower them with affection every chance you get. To Lilac, when two people fall into you, they feel completely comfortable and seen by each other as they recognize each other’s flaws without judgment. She believes that you, Love, are all-consuming in a positive way. When I dream of you, I fantasize about experiencing you in the way that Lilac describes you. I want to feel constantly embraced in a warm hug. I want to feel seen in a way that is free of judgment. I want to feel all consumed.
My friend Orchid has seen so many sides of you, Love. When I asked her to describe what you feel like, she explained you as feeling the way that Taylor Swift’s “gold rush” sounds, but in a happier way. When she falls into you, she feels like she’s flying. She feels lifted, she feels giddy, she feels bubbly, she feels giggly and all-around joyous — and she feels very, very safe. When she’s felt you, Love, she feels the freedom to be whoever she wants to be without fear of judgment. She feels like she’ll be cared for, no matter what. When I dream of you, I fantasize about feeling exactly as safe as Orchid describes. If I’m being honest, I just want to feel understood, happy and adored.
My friend Hazel has partially been through you, Love. A part of Hazel insists that you are a very beautiful feeling that can’t be put into words. She understands that going through you means having a person in your life that you want to share everything with and spend every minute with. That person makes her so happy that she feels weighed down by the adoration she experiences when she’s in their presence. The other part of Hazel, ironically, has never experienced you, Love. But she has a very mature perspective of you. She understands you as a force that ties two people together and requires a lot of dedication from both parties. When I dream of you, I fantasize about falling into you so deeply that I feel the beautiful, indescribable feeling that the first part of Hazel describes, but with the mindset that the other part of Hazel has, in order to ensure a safe fall into you.
My friend Indigo has definitely had her run-of-the-mill with you, Love. In trying to find the words to describe you, she was reminded of a video she saw where you were described as feeling like the introductory instrumentals of SZA’s “Good Days.” That part of the song makes her feel an unreal sensation like she’s floating, in a way. For her, falling into you represents a feeling of floating above everything because you make her feel so light. You represent an enjoyment of tasks for others that she wouldn’t normally undertake, like making cringey birthday cards and planning presents months in advance. Because nothing is ever embarrassing when it is done in your name, Love. When I dream of you, I fantasize about exactly what Indigo describes — about having the energy to do anything and everything for a person out of pure fondness for them. I dream about loving so much that I feel like I’m floating.
To me, you are a combination of inexplicable feelings and happiness and hardships that are all worth it in the end. Because the person you fall in love with means so much more than what comes with it. They are your best friend; they are your everything. I just hope I find my person, and you, someday, Love.
Expectantly awaiting a response,
A dreamer
Daily Arts Writer Graciela Batlle Cestero can be reached at gbatllec@umich.edu.