Things are bad. Things are really bad.

Zac Peskowitz

War with Iraq is just around the corner. Within weeks we will be stepping over the bodies of Iraqi soldiers lying dead on the burning oil fields surrounding Baghdad.

Regardless of the meaningless fear-mongering of the orange alerts and duct-tape hoarding, I don’t doubt that there will soon be plenty more terrorism in the world. Maybe it’ll be copycats of club stampedes or firebombs in subways, or maybe the terrorists will bust out their supposed chemical and biological arsenal. I wouldn’t be surprised to see terrorists use radiological or nuclear weapons in my lifetime.

North Korea is a real threat, and we are looking at an Asian arms race that will threaten security across the globe and potentially destabilize China, Japan and South Korea.

The Israel/Palestine issue isn’t getting any closer to a peaceful resolution, and it seems both sides have resorted to violence and flight from dialogue.

President Bush’s newfound compassion notwithstanding, AIDS, especially in Africa, is raging uncontrollably and in some areas, one in three people are born HIV-positive.

Half the countries in South America are on the brink of economic failure, or are already in open revolt.

Since Sept. 11, important debates about globalization and free-trade have been ignored.

Domestically, things aren’t any rosier.

Our country is in record-breaking debt, and states are looking at billions of dollars in budgetary shortfalls.

Our economy is in the dumps, jobs are scarce and companies are failing.

Our government opposes affirmative action, abortion, stricter environmental regulations, universal health care, yet supports the death penalty, tougher sentences for non-violent drug users, tax-cuts for the wealthy, less regulation of business and increased espionage on its own citizens.

Yes, things are pretty bad. In fact, it seems hard to imagine things getting much worse. But honestly, think how close we are to the rise of a new golden age. Those problems aren’t real problems for me, because I’m a well-educated white American man living off my parents’ dime and practically guaranteed a job out of college. And if things are okay for me, then things can’t be that bad for anyone else.

See, after we topple Saddam, after the Korean Peninsula is a radioactive wasteland, after Africa is buried with AIDS, after South America is burned, after Jews and Muslims die in a fiery embrace, after we lose a couple of U.S. cities to terrorism, after we are too afraid to step outside, after uncountable millions are dead and after power is firmly in the hands of a small elite, then peace will be at hand.

That’s what I want. I want the United States as hegemon and I want it now. I’m sick of dissent and opinion and threats and high gas prices. I don’t want to think about anything anymore. My life is just fine, thank you, and as far as I’m concerned, the United States can do whatever it damn well pleases, so long as I am not personally bothered.

Join me, huddled masses, not in revolution, but in anti-revolt. The world is waking up and shrugging off years of complacency. The American public no longer seems apathetic about current events and is taking to the streets to oppose war. We must ignore this awakening and stick to Michael Jackson exposes. World problems have never been so far reaching, but fortunately, it is getting easier and easier to ignore them.

That’s what we all secretly want isn’t it? To not make decisions, to live in bliss and harmony, feeling utter happiness knowing that Joe Millionaire picked Zora for love and she said, “yes.”

France? Germany? Russia? China? One- hundred-five developing nations? 10,000,000 protesters across the globe? All opposed to U.S. aggression? Bah, why do they even care? Don’t they know they can just shutter their doors, crack open a beer, turn on the television and trust the United States and everything will be fine?

Piskor can be reached at jpiskor@umich.edu.

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