Last week, the president of the United States was awarded the Nobel Prize for Peace “for his extraordinary efforts to strengthen international diplomacy and cooperation between peoples.” Naturally, there is only one appropriate reaction to news like this: disgust.

Like the Taliban, which shockingly disagreed with the Norwegian Nobel Committee’s decision, many on the political right in this country have also decried this terrible injustice. As Rush Limbaugh put it last Friday, “I’m on the same side of something with the Taliban … We all are on the same side as the Taliban.” Now, I don’t know if it was just the pills talking, but Rush is right. Today, we are all Taliban.

How could this have happened? Popular conservative blogger and founder of Erick Erickson provided one possibility: “I did not realize the Nobel Peace Prize had an affirmative action quota for it, but that is the only thing I can think of for this news.” Not a bad thought. President Obama has always been quick to play the race card. Whether it was being born black, being the first black editor of the Harvard Law Review, the third African American elected to the Senate or the first black president, this is clearly a guy who’s only gotten to the top thanks to the color of his skin.

Even on the left, many people couldn’t believe it. As prominent lefty Barack Obama put it, “I do not feel that I deserve to be in the company of so many of the transformative figures who’ve been honored by this prize — men and women who’ve inspired me and inspired the entire world through their courageous pursuit of peace.” What a diva.

Also, let’s not forget, the Nobel Peace Prize is a storied and honored award they don’t give away to just any guy off the street. You have to really earn it. Whether it was noted peace advocates like Yasser Arafat (1994 laureate) or Henry Kissinger (1973 laureate), you have to do at least something transient and irrelevant before they give you one of those giant, meaningless gold coins.

And besides, Barack Obama hasn’t done anything yet. As Alfred Nobel put it in his will, the prize should be given to the person who “during the preceding year (…) shall have done the most or the best work for fraternity between nations, for the abolition or reduction of standing armies and for the holding and promotion of peace congresses.”

Now this award has been sullied by a guy whose only accomplishments have been awakening a new vision of American Exceptionalism around the globe, re-engaging the United States with an alienated and hostile world, extending an open hand of peace to Muslim nations, working for the non-proliferation of nuclear weapons, trying to broker a new and lasting peace in Israel, taking drastic steps to solve a complete international financial meltdown and, finally, quitting smoking. But come on, what has he actually done?

But there is a silver lining. Thanks to winning the Nobel Prize immediately after his failing to bring the Olympic games to Chicago, a new and exciting trend has taken the anti-Obama movement by storm.

First, there were the “birthers” who unraveled the decades-old conspiracy that Obama was actually born in Nairobi or Jakarta or some other weird-sounding place. Then, there were the “deathers,” those who discovered Obama’s secret plan to euthanize your grandmother unless you worked for ACORN, registering illegal immigrants to vote for federally funded gay abortions.

Now, we’ve got the “douchers.” This is a true and faithful Country First crowd who celebrates when America fails and woefully whines when she succeeds. “Douchers” want to alert Americans to the dangers we face. And to do so, they are willing to respond to events in the most backwards way possible, just so everyone can see how crazy Barack Obama’s America has become.

It was only a few years ago that whenever people criticized the execution of the war in Iraq or the reasons for it, they were immediately accused of being in an Al-Qaeda sleeper cell. But Commie-Nazis like Sean Penn and the rest of those Hollywood elite were clearly low-balling it. Firm, peaceful criticism is so 2004.

These days, “douchers” know the only real way to support America is to ecstatically cheer and applaud bad news for their country. This is just the way the conservative group Americans for Prosperity did on camera when Chicago’s failed Olympic bid was announced. This is the same organizing committee that helped the voices of literally dozens of tragically misinformed shut-ins be heard at this summer’s town hall meetings. These “douchers” have fought against our march toward socialism (or fascism or communism or progressivism, or whichever term Glenn Beck prefers that day) by shouting down a wheelchair-bound woman with no insurance or a waitress who couldn’t pay for her child’s medical bills. Real “doucher” values.

But back to the story of the week, Obama’s sham Nobel Prize. If I had my druthers, we would do away with the award entirely. Only Democratic presidents win anyway. (Except for John McCain’s declared “hero” Teddy Roosevelt.) But still, I think it’s time we started giving out the Nobel Prize for Cognitive Dissonance. It takes a Real American to look at losing the Olympic games and our president winning the Nobel Peace Prize and know when you’re supposed to boo and when you’re supposed to cheer. If you’re unsure, here’s a hint: Just do the one that feels wrong.

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