I came up with a lot of ideas for my column this week. None of them, however, were good enough to stretch into full column length. So, I”ll be going for quantity this time, not quality. We”ll see how that goes.
1) In my last column I listed a few reasons why Halloween is great. I neglected to mention that the days directly before and after Halloween are also pretty rad, for one reason: You really get to stick it to the freaks. And by freaks I mean longhairs, artsy types, East Quad kids and other people who don”t dress like you and I and occasionally dye their hair unnatural colors like blue, green, purple or red. Anyway, around Halloween what you do is you go up to one of those freaks and say something like “Hey freak, Halloween isn”t until next week! What”s with the clothes?” Try it yourself. Find some freaky kid today and be like “Yo freaky-deaky, Halloween was yesterday! Wash your hair! And a trim wouldn”t hurt, neither!” Trust me, it”ll make you feel way better about your sad little life.
2a) If you”re an avid reader of “Sick!,” you”d know that I work as a cashier for a chain of parking garages. Last Friday I had to work at the Maynard Street lot, the one by Scorekeepers, and the only station that came in clearly through the two decade-old piece of shit radio in the booth was the Delilah show on Cool 107. Cool 107, if you”re not familiar, is an adult contemporary station. The Delilah show consists of lovesick women calling up and sharing love-related sob stories, like they just found out the man they had been seeing for three months is married, and would you please play “The Shoop Shoop Song (It”s In His Kiss)” for me Delilah, because I really need a pick-me-up right now, I”m in a real bad place.
With its embarrassing DJ/caller banter and horribly cheesy songs, the Delilah show represents everything I hate about radio. But after a while, the saccharine adult contemporary tunes began to grow on me. This may be a good time to mention that I had a bad head cold at the time and was perhaps delirious. Anyway, Phil Collins”s “Against All Odds” came on and I actually got emotional. Hell yeah, take a look at me now! And has anyone else noticed how sick the synth-bass is on Berlin”s “Take My Breath Away”?
2b) On a related note, I”m really diggin” Kazaa these days. If not for this post-Napster miracle of technology, I probably would have shelled out $9.99 for Berlin”s Greatest Hits CD. And yes, that is at the “Nice Price.”
2c) There was one other notable thing about my shift last Friday. So there I was just hangin” out in my booth, you know, not causin” trouble, not botherin” nobody, and this middle-aged white dude pulls up in a canary yellow Volkswagen Beetle. He gives me his ticket and says “Well hello there. Wowee, you”re much more attractive than the guy who usually works here.” He looked like he had bad skin when he was younger, or smallpox.
“Thanks,” I said. “That”ll be $2.85.”
“No, I mean it, you”re beautiful.”
Beautiful, he said! Take that, Michigan Review!
3) My girlfriend “D-Town Dana” has this way of talking about her past lovers that really upsets me. Last week we were lying on the floor and completely out of the blue she said something along the lines of “Yeah, I used to date this guy who was really well endowed. He actually had a tattoo on his penis. When it was flaccid it said “Hi” and when it was fully erect it said “Himalayan Mountains.” Easily one of the top five biggest I”ve ever seen. Mike, I think his name was. Or Matt. Marty? Anyway, nice guy.” Needless to say I was revolted.
4) What”s the deal with this Sean “Puffy” Combs, anyway? He changes names more than Liz Taylor changes husbands! I mean, he goes from Sean Combs to Puffy to Puff Daddy to P. Diddy? What”s up with that? Change your name all you want, Sean, Suge Knight is out of jail and he”ll find your bitch ass.
Speaking of Liz Taylor, I already got my mom her Christmas present: Liz Taylor”s White Diamonds perfume, $5.99 at TJ Maxx. What a steal! Hey ladies, you think I spoil my momma? You should see how I treat my girlfriends!
5) My housemate Brooke just got engaged to her boyfriend Eric. Congratulations, that”s fantastic! May you have a long and happy life together. Sometimes I feel like I”ll never meet a woman who will be able to make me settle down and quit my hard-living, hard-loving ways. But who knows, it could all end at any moment, with the right person and all. Still, until that day, here”s to many more nights of infamy!
Raise your glasses, ladies and gentlemen.
Ben Goldstein can be reached at email@example.com.