We all know there’s a writers’ strike going on. Within a few weeks, there will be no new episodes of just about any shows airing until this thing gets resolved, and major movies have been delayed. With industry insiders speculating that that could be at least nine months from now, what are we to do? We need to be entertained. I propose a solution.
I will whore myself out to the studios and become a scab writer, armed with only my mediocre knowledge of film and television. With shows like “Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles” premiering soon and the “Sex and the City” movie headed for theaters next summer, I can only imagine the execs will like this idea as much as I do.
Here’s what I have in store for television:
“The Bourne Jurisdiction”: Recently retiring from the exhausting task of uncovering his identity and fighting the entire United States government, Jason Bourne (played by Benjamin McKenzie of “The O.C.”) is going back to his roots. As a detective in New York, Bourne would solve a new case each episode by flying around the world and disarming the perpetrators with his trademark three-punch takedown. Cars crash, bullets fly and justice is served when you’re in Bourne’s jurisdiction.
“Legally Blonde: Justice is Blonde”: The series picks up after the second movie left off, wherever the hell that was, and would chronicle Elle Woods (Anna Faris, “Scary Movie”) solving tough “Law & Order”-style cases. But by using her unique skill set, she takes on cases other legal dramas can’t, such as “The girl who wore her friend’s dress and then lied about it” (Gucci isn’t supposed to look stretched like that) or “The tragedy of the fake handbag” (Prada double-stitches its purses, obvi!). On The CW, Tuesday at 8/7 central. Dear God, I can actually see this happening.
“Armageddon: The Series”: Wait, wait, stay with me. Every week it’s up to A.J. Frost, Harry S. Stamper (he totally survived the explosion) and the rest of their team to save the world from impending doom. How many ways can the world end, exactly? After they end climate change in the pilot, the rest of their struggles include reigniting our dying sun, diffusing a nuclear war, curing a massive bird-flu outbreak and finally engaging in hand-to-hand combat with the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. The show will have a budget roughly the size of Norway’s GDP and will own the 18- to 36-year-old male audience.
And coming soon to a theater hopefully nowhere near you:
“24: Genesis”: Fifteen-year-old Jack Bauer has exactly an hour and 47 minutes. There is a threat to Central Topeka Union High School’s Homecoming parade. The nature of the danger isn’t specific, but it’s rumored to be egg-related and perpetrated by CTU’s rival high school, which is located in the middle (possibly eastern) part of Topeka. Working closely with Class President Dave Palmer, football captain Jack – along with his sidekick, the socially awkward mathlete Chloe – staples fingers and paper cuts noses to get the information he needs. Can Jack save Homecoming? Is there enough time? Find out December 2008.
“Il Film del Sopranos”: Ever since David Chase’s unsatisfying finale, the fans have wanted more. The film opens right as the screen turned black, when Tony takes a bullet to the chest in the diner. The ensuing two hours involve him slipping in and out of nonsensical coma dreams, with occasional cuts to useless subplots that involve A.J. being a douchebag club owner and Paulie Walnuts hiring a transsexual stripper at The Bing. As Tony awakes in the last few minutes, the rival New York crew storms the hospital intent on killing him and the rest of the Soprano clan. Cut to credits. If you wait long enough afterward, David Chase pops up and says, “Fuck You! Again!”
“Heroes Unlimited”: Given two hours instead of the usual one to work with, the writers decide they can double the 42 main characters that already populate the show. The movie is a bunch of short, three-minute clips that involve each new hero demonstrating his powers in various places around the globe with no distinct plot in sight. This would be accompanied by a two-hour-long voiceover monologue by Dr. Suresh that says everything you’d ever want to know about evolution, power and responsibility.
There you have it: Your entire TV and movie lineup is set until 2009. See? We’ll be fine. Who needs fair wages? I really don’t know what everyone’s complaining about. Who really thinks you can make money from the Internet? I mean, seriously, they should . ah man, I can’t do it. This is a bad, bad situation. CEOs, just pay them their 2.5 percent. You can wait another six months to buy your private island. I miss “The Office” already, and it’s only been four days. I can’t imagine what nine months is going to feel like. Hold me.
– E-mail Tassi at email@example.com and tell him he has a bright future ahead of him.