It’s impossible to rate this shit. In alphabetical order:
- Sarah Royce
- The agony of victory. (Courtesy of Lionsgate)
The Da Vinci Code – Pop-culture literature without substance and little-to-no redeeming value can only yield a pop-culture film without substance and little-to-no redeeming value. Without his narrating job on the now-cancelled TV series “Arrested Development,” Ron Howard again proves his capacity to direct crap mysteriously considered creative genius by the masses.
Date Movie – Director Aaron Seltzer strings together a series of unrelated spoofs, mockeries and sketches to produce another (Fill In The Blank) Movie. “Date Movie” is ironic in that it is counterproductive to the success of any date you could possibly go on – arguably worse than forgetting a condom.
Employee of the Month – Dane Cook is not funny. If that reason isn’t sufficient, he should be banished from movies simply for his previous projects: “Mystery Men,” “Stuck on You” and “Simon Sez,” co-starring the illustrious Dennis Rodman. “Employee” ends up relying upon Jessica Simpson’s boobs, Napoleon Dynamite’s sidekick and Andy Dick. Even the wittiest script in the history of film couldn’t mask this casting.
Flags of our Fathers – Hailing tons of hype for being a Clint Eastwood flick, “Flags” enthusiasts forgot Eastwood, too, has the ability to direct bad movies – “Space Cowboys,” for example. Eastwood prides himself on making films with mostly first or second takes of scenes. “Flags” is an example of the risk of this technique: haphazard constructions of potentially poignant scenes.
The Guardian – It was a real coup for director Andrew Davis to bring together two of Hollywood’s biggest douche bags in one film: flop-artist Kevin Costner and his new apprentice Ashton Kutcher. The only thing more nauseating than the thought of these two in a movie together is the fact that only one of their characters can die.
Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector – “Borat” co-star Ken Davitian humorously appalled audiences with an extended view of his fat ass. Larry the Cable Guy disgusted audience with just his ass crack. No humor. Just gross.
The Pink Panther – Something about pairing a geriatric comic with a young sex-symbol unsettles the stomach. It’s not that director Shawn Levy should have left the Peter Sellers original classic alone.oh, wait, yes, that is it.
Snakes on a Plane – All that hype emphasized “Snakes” was not so much a film but a vehicle for one of Hollywood’s token angry tough guys to get angry about something completely new: the “motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane.” It’s a two-hour excuse for a single line.
Tenacious D in: The Pick of Destiny – There is a new form of Black-sploitation in film, and it relies upon Jack Black’s ability to never change character. Endless cameos and a scene mixing ‘shrooms and sasquatch can’t redeem “D” for its excessive use of poop humor.
And any of the following sequels: “Van Wilder 2,” “The Santa Clause 3,” “The Grudge 2,” “Saw 3,” “Clerks 2,” “Basic Instinct 2,” “Final Destination 3,” “Big Momma’s House 2,” “The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift.”
Etc. Ad nauseum.