So this is it, Ann Arbor — my
last Weekend Magazine column. What should I write about? I could
follow the theme of this issue and highlight the best that the city
has to offer. But that’s not very original or interesting
(plus it’s really hard to find things to like here), so
let’s find something else. I could piss off the Christians
again with another insensitive take on their religion or Mel
Gibson. But that’s gotten kind of old, so that’s out,
too. Maybe I could do something warm and fuzzy and go out on a
happy note. But that’s just not my style, so forget that
What if I take this issue’s theme and turn it on end? What
about the worst of Ann Arbor? What about the things that no one
likes, or at least the things that no one should like?
I like that, but I should probably set up some rules to make
sure things are fair. First, my vote is the only one that counts.
Second, I’ll choose winners (or are they losers?) first and
then make up categories for them.
Worst Acronym: BAMN
Your full name is the Coalition To Defend Affirmative Action,
Integration And Immigrant Rights And Fight For Equality By Any
Means Necessary, so by my calculations, your acronym should
actually be CTDAAIAIRAFFEBAMN. That you shorten it to just BAMN
does not make you any less ridiculous.
And by the way, do you really mean “by any means
necessary?” Last I heard from you, the only means you used
were yelling a lot and calling everyone who dared disagree with you
a racist. Back in my day, “by any means necessary”
meant blowing up buildings and having heads of state
Let me suggest a new name for you. How about the Federation for
Unrelenting Complaining and Kvetching By Any Means Necessary?
You’ll find the new acronym much more efficient and
Worst Building: The Frieze Building
You look so nice on the outside, but, as we all know, it’s
what’s inside that counts. It’s bad enough that you
used to be a high school, but do you have to flaunt it? I finished
high school four years ago, but having classes in you every
semester makes it feel as if I never left.
There’s only one way you can make it up to me: Let me use
one of your lockers. I haven’t had a locker since middle
school. Lockers are so bad-ass.
Worst Local Band: All of Them
Whether you’re Oblivion, Donkey Punch, Funktelligence or
some other marginally talented Ann Arbor-based band, you share two
things in common: 1) You suck. 2) You’ll never be popular
outside Ann Arbor. Give up the music and focus on your philosophy
Worst Fraternity: All of Them
So as not to discriminate, I won’t single any one of you
out. There’s a reason people call you shallow, drunken
simpletons and uneducated, all-around worthless people. It’s
because you are shallow, drunken simpletons and uneducated,
all-around worthless people. I’m pretty sure you’re at
least 60 percent retarded, too. I won’t say anymore than that
because it’s just too easy.
Worst Race/Ethnicity: White
What’s the deal with white people? We have to be the most
uninteresting and pointless group on campus. All the cool races and
ethnicities have groups like NASA, BSU and IASA, but what do we
have? Nothing. I’m so ashamed that I’ve resorted to
weekly melanin injections.
Worst Person: Louie Meizlish
You are the most disgusting, despicable, worthless person I have
ever met. You make me hate life.
Worst Bar: All of Them
I feel pretty comfortable dismissing most of you, including
Rick’s, Touchdowns and S’keeper’s, without
offering any reason because your inadequacy is so blatantly
evident. It is the dismissal of the bars that have the potential to
be great that require explanation.
Of all of you, I figure that there are only two that fit into
this category: Ashley’s and Leopold Bros. Ashley’s
offers about 100 different beers from all over the world, but the
problem is, they charge upwards of $150 per pint. Leopold’s
offers five or six beers from behind the bar (all of which are
quite good), and they charge reasonable prices, but the fact that
the bar is several miles from my house nullifies that.
Worst City: Ann Arbor
You are by far the worst city in Ann Arbor. You are easily the
snootiest place I have ever visited, and the scariest part is so
few people can see through your web of deceit and realize the
ultra-shoddy city that you truly are.
— Joel also hates all minorities, majorities,
Democrats, Republicans, independents, preppies, hippies, activists,
bums, sluts and playas. If you were not offended by this column,
contact Joel at
“mailto:email@example.com”>firstname.lastname@example.org and he will be happy
to insult you.