So after years of hard work, studying and a dizzying array of extra-curricular activities, you’ve finally made it into college! Let me be the first to say congratulations! Congratulations on both the completion of your high school years and your wonderful decision to become an undergraduate in the University of Michigan community. Or the ‘U,’ as we like to call it. Welcome!
You’ve become a fighting Wolverine at an exciting time, my friends, as the sociopolitical world turns its unassuming eye on our own local hamlet. As I’m sure you’ve heard, the regents just named a woman president of the University! Can you believe it? She a certified woman, and I applaud the University for their courage and diversity in naming someone president whose qualifications include, among other things, the ability to urinate sitting down, loads of estrogen and a vagina. Other aspects of her resume, which are certain to be numerous and unimportant, are probably available somewhere for your stunned perusal. It is, of course, the fact that she has fallopian tubes that has everyone talking, and here’s hoping that sexist monsters keep their mouths shut if they have any disagreement and/or comment with our new president, Mrs., uh, Ms. … The first female president in ‘U’ history.
The occasional date rape and random act of violence aside, our Athletic Department is one of the finest in the nation. Our football team may be the reason you came here, but there are several other sports opportunities for you to choose from. Some sports even let women play, which is nice. Basketball might not be so hot this year, but inside sources tell me that a few Jeep Cherokees and a few female boosters imported from Thailand should take care of that. Losing to Ohio State by 20 might be all right for schools that don’t have deals with Nike, but, in my opinion, Ed Martin better get his ass out of jail and back into some maize-‘n-blue shorts toot sweet.
Sports, of course, are reserved only for our most gifted and intelligent students (as proven by their hard-earned grades), but the rest of us certainly have plenty of options. Most incoming freshmen want to know “What is BAMN and how can I join?” Well, just hold your horses, little Timmy or Tammy, I’ll tell you. BAMN is none other than the most prestigious, all-consuming icon of morality on campus. They’re the Coalition to Defend Affirmative Action and Integration and Fight for Equality By Any Means Necessary. They organize rallies, picket and physically assault (hey, can’t make an omelet without breaking a few bigots) people who attempt to thwart our God-given constitutional right to give students points based on their ethnic/religious background and the color of their skin during admissions.
BAMN accepts members no matter what the color of their skin, but since there is such a high interest in joining, is now attempting to fill certain quotas. After talking with the BAMN High Council, I have learned that they are not currently accepting any more brainless faux-hippy Anglo-Saxons or angry black students from affluent Detroit suburbs. They are currently seeking non-Muslim Arabic members, one-armed Pakistani members, over-weight South Africans and Asians, Asians, Asians.
A lot of students come to college feeling frightened and overwhelmed by the wide array of choices and opportunities college presents. Many take solace and refuge in the safety net that is religion. Whether you’re Christian, Jewish or some other religion, your god can be found right here on campus. The Campus Crusade for Christ had a landmark year, nearly catching the elusive bearded one. The campus chapter won several national awards this year for their “Tolerance Through Burning Muslims Alive” initiative. And if you’re more interested in politicizing your religion for the good of a lunatic war-monger, Hillel may be just right for you.
Not to downplay the importance of international politics on one of the most important political campuses in Michigan. Our astute Palestinian leadership on campus has recently suggested that their “Allah” is more well-endowed than the more popular Judeo-Christian “God.” They went on to say that if anyone disagreed with the freedom fighters that crashed into the World Trade Center, then the terrorists had already won. I do have to warn you, these arguments can get pretty heated. It pays to remember that none of it is that important in the long run, and flaring tempers leads to a bad time had by all.
If you’re really serious about politics, though, the only way to go is to join MSA. As our student government, MSA passes many important resolutions each year that affect our culture and the very fabric of our society. Last year alone, MSA passed important resolutions to keep the Union open for an additional 20 minutes on weeknights, to stop the war on terror and to allow them to masturbate one another publicly as a reward for the tremendous job they do. If you’re lucky, they may even allow you to join.
If politics aren’t your bag, you can partake in one of the many community opportunities available to students. Giving money to the homeless is always a treat, when you see their eyes light up, knowing that they may be drunk enough later that evening to rape one of the barefoot sorority girls stumbling home from a frat party. Just a word of warning, don’t try to help any of them find jobs. It’s insulting to their human dignity to suggest they are capable of making money on their own. Shame on you for even thinking of it. Some of these people are veterans, others are pediatric gynecologists. Still others gargle with their own feces. Show some respect.
So, however you decide to spend your time in good ‘ole Ann Arbor, remember that you can make a difference in your own future by what you decide to do now. God bless ‘U’ and God bless America.
– Lyle Henretty can no longer be reached at email@example.com. Don’t bother him!