Spring is here, and in addition to the reemergence of short skirts and shirtless volleyball players we’re all getting something else we’ve been waiting for: movies we actually care about. After a seemingly endless onslaught of horrific excuses for films over the past three months, blockbuster season is finally upon us.
May looks set to annihilate all previous box office records with a trilogy of, well, trilogies. In “Spiderman 3” Peter Parker gets seduced by the dark side of the force and proceeds to get emo haircuts and disfigure his friend’s face with a grenade. The trailer for “Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End” has shown us that Captain Jack (shockingly) is still alive and will probably be swaggering around, hitting on Keira Knightley and watching Chow Yun Fat stroke his Fu Man Chu. Lastly, “Shrek the Third” will “humor” all ages with its range of celebrity voice talent, fart jokes and endless supply of over-the-top adult innuendos.
June is laughable with the number of sequels being released. “Ocean’s Thirteen” will attempt to avoid its predecessor’s failure to charm with devilishly handsome con men who rob Al Pacino. “Hostel 2” unfortunately looks like the second part of an annual “Saw”-like event – “because it’s cheap” is not a valid reason to make a movie. “Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer” is gracing us also – for some reason. And thankfully, “Live Free or Die Hard” looks promising. It’s about time Bruce Willis got back to his roots and stopped playing side-kick to Halle Berry and Justin Timberlake.
July brings some originality as Shia LeBeouf tries to prove himself worthy of Spielberg’s affections in “Transformers.” OK, it’s Michael Bay, but give it a chance. The robots do look pretty damn impressive. Then there’s “Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix,” where we get to see if Hermione got hot yet. “The Simpsons” looks to succeed where “Aqua Teen” failed. If any 20-minute television spot can cross the bridge to 90-minute feature it’s the show that invented modern day animation.
August wraps the summer up with a more modest selection including “The Bourne Ultimatum” and “Rush Hour 3.” Prediction: Jason Bourne makes phone calls to his enemies when he’s looking right at them, and Chris Tucker and Jackie Chan experience a variety of language and cultural barriers which lead to hilarity. And if you want comedies that aren’t based on racial stereotypes, try Judd Apatow’s very promising “Knocked Up,” the incredibly awkward “Superbad” or “Shark vs. Eagle” – if you’re in a “Napoleon Dynamite” mood.
After such a desolate winter, this summer’s promising releases will be a much needed change. Forget internships, LSAT classes and being outdoors. Go see a movie.