As students, we ask ourselves lots of difficult questions.

“What do I want to major in?” and, “Will I be able to get a job in this economy?”

But as always, the most pressing inquiry remains, “Since when did I get two chins?”

Weight gain: the questions abound. What can we do about it? Is it more prevalent in college males or college females? How unhealthy is dorm food? Maybe my extra weight is just muscle mass? (Fat chance.) When ordering off the Wendy’s dollar menu in the Union, is it 99 cents for a Junior Bacon Cheeseburger or is it $1.06? (It’s $1.06.) Isn’t that annoying when you just want to pay a dollar? (Heck yeah it is!)

Of course, maybe you’re abnormal and don’t eat cheeseburgers, but it’s a rare student who doesn’t get a bit heavier from something — lack of exercise, energy drinks during study sessions, journeys to vending machines late at night, alcohol for breakfast, etc. I’ll admit that I am not that student. Even I’m getting heavier, dear readers, and when I get heavier I can safely assume that many of you are, too, so that I can feel better about myself.

Now, I don’t want to point any fingers, but it’s not really my fault. You see, my student housing (like I’m just going to tell you where I live) primarily serves vegan and vegetarian meals, something I didn’t know before signing up to live there for eight months of my life. Veganism/vegetarianism isn’t the worst invention of humanity when it comes to eating (there’s always cannibalism), but because I’m set in my ways as a carnivore I spend far too much time eating cheap, unhealthy food options: Wendy’s, Panda Express, Jimmy John’s. It’s terrible. They’re all so good, I never know which one to choose.

So, if you’re like me, or if you spend way too much time studying while eating Snickers, or if you live in a dorm and enjoy fourth helpings, or yada yada yada, who’s to blame? Well, yourself, I guess, and maybe the federal government a bit, but not really I don’t think. I’m just an English major.

But what’s to be done? Depressingly little.

For instance, you could join Intramural Sports, which is what I decided to do this year, but you don’t get much exercise. I played soccer only once a week and late at night, and the other team and my own teammates laughed at me throughout each game because I usually put the ball in the wrong net on accident. This caused me to just eat more after each game.

If you’re not the best athlete you could consider a more solitary exercise, like jogging around campus. Well, people still judge you, especially if you insist on wearing spandex, and every now and again you see REALLY nerdy joggers who wear goggles. And, of course, when a faster person (every other jogger) passes you it’s difficult to resist the urge to speed up to show them who’s boss, which usually results in embarrassment and lung failure. Not to mention it’s going to be winter awfully soon, so you’d have to start going to the gym to run.

The gym. It’s always been an awkward place for me and, I imagine, many others. I think it’s because I can’t grunt impressively. If you can’t grunt while lifting weights you’ll feel really wimpy and probably end up leaving. You can try to jog there, too, but it’s so boring going around in circles, lapping old people. It’s depressing, really, especially because they beam at you in that old person way every time you pass them.

Look, let’s just forget about this whole weight thing and losing weight, ok? It’s too much of a hassle. Just keep asking yourself about your major and the economy and easy stuff like that. After all, if you concentrate on that and end up financially successful, you can hire a personal trainer and… you know? I’m hungry. Does anyone have six cents? Because I only have a dollar.

Will Grundler can be reached at wgru@umich.edu.

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