Wooooooooeeeeeeee! Spring break! SPRING BREAK. Spring BREAK. Ooh, that one’s the coolest looking. Hey, maybe they should call it “Winter break #2” at the University. Ha ha! Because it’s still snowing out. I wonder if people will get the joke. Not that it matters because I don’t have to worry about anyone actually reading thi-

Woah! You’re still here? AND you’re reading the Daily? (Why?) Well I guess this column does matter. I’m sorry, what would you like to read about? Health care? The economy? Animal rights? Ellen Degeneres on American Idol? I have a firm stance on all the major issues. I walk into the Daily and all the other columnists say, “Man, just look how firm his stance is!” Even if I don’t know about an issue, I make sure I’m firm about it.

But let’s address spring break. You probably have a Friday class or something, and then after that it’s down to Mexico to get fuc –

I will have to apologize again. My editors, who are outstanding individuals, have just informed me that “obscene articles about spring break are in poor taste, and though they have appeared in the past, this is ultimately a prestigious paper with a circulation of- Well, you’re right, it’s not a HUGE circulation, let’s be clear, but- Look, will you just listen? Stop shouting. What do you mean you have photographs to go along with it?”

What they’re trying to say, of course, is that censorship is perfectly all right.

No, I mean that they’re trying to keep this paper respectable, which is definitely a good idea since the president will be coming to campus soon. Instead of having a spring break issue this week, for instance, yesterday’s edition of the Statement featured the slightly less raunchy — yet no less exciting — topic of landscaping.

Also, this year, we at the Daily would like to shed light on what happens in Ann Arbor during the week of spring break, rather than “what’s happening” in Cancun or someplace else.

So then, what goes on here in Ann Arbor when you’re gone? It’s actually quite interesting. To use an analogy: Remember in the “Harry Potter” books when just about everyone leaves for spring break, leaving Harry, Ron and Hermione all alone, and then Harry flings the invisibility ring into the big volcano? Wait, I’m remembering it wrong. Maybe Dumbledore dies first?

Anyway, the point is that stuff goes down when 40,000 students who feel that they “run this town” leave, and that stuff is… a huge party.

It’s unbelievable, right? While we’re supposed to be having the time of our lives on a warm beach in Florida, Ann Arborites are partying it up back here! You would think that the stores would close their doors and people would just sort of stay in bed or die off, but what happens is completely the opposite. This is why we always get an e-mail from the University reminding us to secure our valuables, lock our doors and take any alcohol with us, because it just gets WILD. Ann Arbor becomes New Orleans on Mardi Gras.

Many have questioned the reason for all this excitement from non-student Ann Arbor citizens. There are, in fact, lots of reasons:

1. There are no students.

2. The Squirrel Club ceases its operations.

3. Squirrels start to starve.

4. Cars are permitted to drive.

5. There aren’t any boring, philosophical and elitist conversations from said smart-alecky students who are so busy having them on their little cell phones that they just walk in front of said cars.

6. The Michigan Student Assembly- Okay, MSA, I’ll let you off this time, but ONLY because you guys are always targeted for abuse and/or humor.

7. MSA ceases operations.

Still reading? Well, you can stop now because I’m done. I’ve got a break to take! I just don’t know which one — I’ve got tons of offers. And I mean TONS. You get really popular when you become a Daily columnist. Acapulco, Jamaica — these nice people at Exclusive College Spring Break keep offering me sweet deals. But I may just stay here and watch the madness.

Will Grundler can be reached at wgru@umich.edu.

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