These are the days of good-bye columns. This sort of sentimental crap allows seniors to find closure after spending untold hours toiling over Quark Xpress at 420 Maynard.
This will be my last SportsMonday column. But since I’ve decided to forgo my last year of eligibility on this page to pursue a career of killing puppies for money in the Business School, I may not be the most qualified person in the world to pontificate about the glorious lessons that can be learned at a daily newspaper.
I am, however, perfectly capable of writing one more random and stupid column. And what better way to start such a piece than with a quote from the legendary Homer Simpson.
“If the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn’t, it’s that girls should stick to girls’ sports, such as hot oil wrestling, foxy boxing, and such and such.”
I wonder how Homer would react when confronted with the news that the WNBA is on the verge of shutting down because of a labor strike. I know I laughed out loud.
Apparently making an average $60,000 for just a few months of work is not enough for the women with the good fundamentals and the complete lack of fan support.
Bobby Knight once said: “If the NBA (Editors’ Note: He meant the WNBA) were on channel 5 and a bunch of frogs making love were on channel 4, I’d watch the frogs, even if they were coming in fuzzy.”
The sad fact is that the Discovery Channel’s frog specials might get better ratings nationwide than the WNBA, but then again the Detroit Tigers aren’t much better.
Tram and the gang finally put a win on the board this weekend, but we all know it is just a matter of time before they are mathematically eliminated and emergency fan promotions start popping up at the CoPa. In order to set its product apart from the WNBA and the frogs on the Discovery Channel, I think the Tigers may want to duplicate the “funny mating dogs night” promotion that was recently on display at a soccer match in Uganda.
According to The New Vision, Uganda’s leading English newspaper, spectators “were treated to rib breaking laughter by the funny mating dogs during the halftime break.
“As the dogs were mating, revelers screamed in amusement while others were seen shying away saying it was bad luck to the home side.”
Speaking of bad luck, how would you like to be named Tony Suck? According to my crack research staff, this one man may actually be responsible for the negative, non-sexual meaning of the word “suck.”
Born Charles Anthony Suck in 1858, he was one of the first professional baseball players. Baseball is widely regarded as a common influence on the development of the modern American lexicon, and after looking at Suck’s career statistics I’m sure you’ll agree that the term “awful” doesn’t really do him justice.
During his two-year career in the big leagues, Suck hit .151 with just two extra base hits. But what set him apart from the other sad-sack men of his day was his dreadful glove work. He committed 32 errors in 32 games at catcher, 16 errors in 15 games at shortstop, and five errors in 13 games in the outfield.
Perhaps the trend that began with Suck will continue with the Cleveland Cavaliers. I can just imagine my grandson telling me how much his doing his homework “really Cavs.”
To prove this point, I submit to you exhibit A: Someone took a $50 gift certificate for Cavaliers’ game tickets and tried to auction it on Ebay with a $4.50 price tag. The bidding ended earlier this week without a single bid.
I’m starting to run out of space, so I will leave you with a random piece of mathematical information that just needed to be mass produced.
If you took the $49,636 you would spend on college tuition as an out-of-state LSA student at the University and instead spent it on condoms, you could have sex 40 times a day or 1.7 times an hour during your stay in college. If that sounds a bit excessive, you could have sex three times a day, and still have $31.50 per day to spend on alcohol and Taco Bell.
Steve Jackson can be reached at email@example.com.