Ladytron is what it”s all about these days for young women. It”s electronic, something best used alone, and provides hours of pleasure. But it”s not the personal device you”re thinking of. It”s an electronic band spitting out “80s style beats over brazen, jaded lyrics of romance gone bad.

Paul Wong

But their subject matter of break-ups, drive-thrus, backstabbing and depressing mornings aren”t so far off from what my girl friends keep complaining about.

Apparently, the dating pool of men seems pretty stale full of mildew, mosquitoes and toads. Witness two of my friends: Elizabeth and Amanda.

Elizabeth, on the rebound from a guy who pre-dumped her in October in anticipation of his May graduation, has found herself sleepwalking backwards through her love life. It”s easy to do to call up your pre-ex and hang out with him, let him compliment you, and wonder, “What exactly went wrong in the first place?” while your friends try to remind you of the six times he broke up with you. And what about the holes he put in your wall?

Her other object of desire is a GSI with “twinkling green eyes,” but that”s just another sign she”s looking for love in all the wrong places. Hasn”t she been listening to her Ace of Base for moral guidance?

It”s too bad she”s having such a hard time. I see Elizabeth so much I forget how pretty she is. On a non-date with the pre-ex she pulled her hair down from her usual ponytail, put on make-up, a cute shirt, and was off wasting all that beauty on the type of guy that drools when answering the door.

Elizabeth is the kind of girl you”d set up on a blind date with your brother and feel good about it the kind you”d describe as cute, smart, and funny without lying or hiding a real case of heavy acne or bad flatulence.

Her worst quality is her mean streak, which manifests itself in pranks, such as scaring people in hallways, running hot water for those about to wash their hands, cracking an egg over her sister”s head or tripping girls on busses. But even this is endearing!

Next case: Amanda. Keeping in mind that I”m gay, Amanda is so sweet and nice, with a cute Western-style cowboy belt, super-fly style, cute hair and Southern accent (not too thick) that when I found out she might not be able to make it home for Thanksgiving in North Carolina I knew what I had to do.

I invited her to Thanksgiving with my family, since my boyfriend couldn”t make it, and I”d wanted to bring someone wonderful home that would reflect positively on me, reminding them how charming, cute and funny I am. People do actually forget! Also, I wanted to deflect those nagging questions about my career plans.

Luckily Amanda could spend the holidays with local relatives, but what about those other nights? Twenty-four, with a regional management position, she”s often too busy to meet men.

The last guy she met invited her out to Colorado, but once she was there, Colorado Boy did a 360 from his previously sweet, laid-back self. Instead of being nice and chill, he tried to impress her with a hyper-masculine, jocular, yet crude attitude. What she”d liked about him had begun to evaporate before two weeks had passed.

Back in Ann Arbor, while she was treating me to dinner, two hot guys eyed her as I tried to explain there are good guys right in her backyard. On the way out both guys stared longingly, but neither of them said anything to her intimidated by someone so together and pretty, guys don”t approach her.

So what”s a girl to do? I don”t really believe in the Ally-McBeal-style self-pity, and neither do these girls. And I”m smart enough to know that there are still great guys out there but where are they?

So, guys, can you help these girls out? Do you think you can prove everyone wrong that says there”s no more good men left? Are there any cute guys that are nice, sweet, straightforward, funny, laid-back but still exciting?

Neither of these girls want to place a personal ad. So I”m gonna do the work for them. Tell me why you”re good enough for one of these girls.

Some things to keep in mind: Elizabeth”s looking for someone taller than her (5″10″ or above), has “pretty eyes,” and won”t try to squash her dreams of medical school. Additionally, I would like to see her with someone who”d take her out to nice restaurants, watch “Friends” with her, and who could just spend an evening in.

Amanda seems to be looking for someone mature, possibly out of school like herself. She has an outdoor spirit, but don”t worry, she still shaves her armpits! Perhaps someone who likes to camp, is willing to go on weekend trips, someone “tall, dark, and handsome,” but without the machismo of a gorilla.

It shouldn”t have come to low-down journalistic-pimpin”, but that”s the deal. Write me with reasons you should meet one of these women. I”ve got two successful matches under my belt one couple for over two years now. Another couple I”d orchestrated only lasted two months, but at least it broke a dry spell of a year. Besides, I”d love to beat out Miss Cleo for love-coordinator of the universe.

Send love-notes, semi-nude photos, reasons why you need to meet one of these girls or any coments in general to japiyab@umich.edu.

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