Anything Else: Woody Allen’s glory days are past. But who in his right mind could pass up a romance between Wednesday Adams and that goofy guy who gives pies the ol’ lovey-dovey. At Showcase: 12:35 a.m., 12:40 p.m., 3:05, 5:25, 7:50, 10:15.
Cold Creek Manor: Didn’t Sharon Stone fade into oblivion? I just sure as hell hope this isn’t an honest effort to drag herself out. At Showcase: 12:25 a.m., 1:20 p.m., 4:10, 7:20, 10:00.
The Fighting Temptations: I’m convinced that Beyonce’s thighs of thunder are filled with nothing less than pure evil. The minx corrupts every movie she’s in. At Showcase: 12:15 a.m., 1:10, 1:40, 4:05, 4:35, 7:00, 7:30, 9:35, 10:05.
Love the Hard Way: Adrien Brody is a goofy man, and I’m frankly tired of stories concerning an unstable valedictorian who falls for some outlaw bandit because she thinks he’s cool. At Madstone: 1:00, 3:10, 5:20, 7:30, 9:45.
Second Hand Lions: Michael Caine and Robert Duvall are so charming. Not to mention that “Sixth Sense” kid. At Showcase: Noon, 2:20, 4:45, 7:05, 9:30, 11:50.
The St. Petersburg-Cannes Express: I’m leaving on that midnight train to Cannes, ’cause my baby done left me. Not really, but this sure paints a colorful picture of St. Petersburg. At Madstone: 1:10, 3:15, 5:20, 7:25, 9:30.
Underworld: So, I guess we’ve had it all wrong: the aristocratic vampires have been oppressing their wolfmen underlings. Those fanged bastards. At Showcase: midnight, 12:30 a.m., 12:45, 1:15, 1:45, 4:00, 4:30, 5:00, 6:10, 6:40, 7:40, 9:20, 9:50, 10:20. At Madstone: 1:05, 3:30, 7:05, 9:30.
Cabin Fever: Peter Jackson was a bum before adapting “Lord of the Rings.” My question to him: why are you returning to your B-horror roots when fantasy’s been so, so kind to you? At Showcase: 12:10 a.m., 12:40 a.m., 12:25 p.m., 3:00, 3:30, 5:45, 7:45, 8:15, 9:55, 10:25. 2.5 Stars.
Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star: David Spade: Former halfway-decent comedian digs himself into an only deeper hole of big screen botchery with Dickie. At Showcase: 12:10, 2:15, 4:25, 6:50, 9:00, 11:30 (Fri. and Sat.) 1 Star.
Finding Nemo: I once flushed a goldfish of mine down the toilet … while he was still alive. It was an accident, but maybe that’s why this movie has endeared me so. At Showcase: 1:25 4.5 Stars.
Freaky Friday: Wasn’t Jamie Lee Curtis part dude once? Now that’s the stuff good movies are made of. The whole mother-daughter body switch thing is OK, too, though. At Showcase: 1:05, 3:15, 5:30, 8:00.
Freddy vs. Jason: Didn’t Freddy already die? Well, Jason returned from space a cyborg, so I guess nothing’s really off-limits here. At Showcase: 12:10 a.m., 10:10.
Jeepers Creepers 2: A bus full of basketball jocks shouldn’t be outmanned by a damned scarecrow. Cowboy up, pansies. At Showcase: 4:15, 9:30, 11:45.
The Magdalene Sisters: The Vatican’s going to love this one. And if they at least someone will, right? At Madstone: 1:00, 4:00, 7:15, 9:40 3 Stars.
Matchstick Men: I guess guys with OCD are more entertaining than I thought … especially when they’re conmen with daughters. At Madstone: 1:10, 3:40, 7:10, 9:35. At Showcase: 12:05 a.m., 12:00, 1:00, 2:30, 4:20, 4:50, 6:45, 7:15, 9:15, 9:45, 11:35.
Once Upon a Time in Mexico: Have you heard those stories about the mariachi with the guitar case full of guns? Well, he’s back, he’s still got his guns and Johnny Depp, sans eyes, joins him. Need I say more? One small caveata, Enrique is in this movie as well, but not even his Latin pop lameness could ruin it. At Madstone: 1:15, 3:20, 5:25, 7:35, 9:45 At Showcase: 12:25 a.m., 12:05, 12:35, 2:25, 2:55, 3:25, 4:40, 5:10, 5:40, 6:55, 7:25, 7:55, 9:10, 9:40, 10:10, 11:25, 11:55 (Fri. and Sat.).
Open Range: Kudos to Kevin for giving a damn about the fate of westerns! After “Water World” it wasn’t like he could do any worse. At Showcase: 1:50, 7:35 3.5 Stars.
Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl: I don’t know if Johnny Depp or pirates are currently cool. I’ll let you, the readers, decide. (Editor’s note: Both pirates and Johnny Depp are extremely hot right now. This writer has been fired.) At Showcase: 12:15 a.m., 12:30, 6:30, 9:25 4 Stars.
Seabiscuit: Oh, I’m proud to be an American, where at least I know a gimp horse can race again. At Showcase: 12:50, 6:35 3 Stars.
Spy Kids 3-D: Game Over: Mmm … Sylvester Stallone in 3-D … If only they would have thought about this for “Cliffhanger.” Can you imagaine John Lithgow’s face in 3D? Now that is worth seeing. At Showcase: 1:30.
S.W.A.T.: In his free time, Colin Farrell enjoys growing a rough beard, impregnating supermodels and rivaling Charlie Sheen for the most-women-slept-with record … Too bad he can’t work similar miracles with a badge and gun. At Showcase: 12:40 a.m., 5:05, 10:30.
The Swimming Pool: Ouuhhh … sexy Euro-thriller. Just don’t go in the baby pool, it’s dirty in there. No seriously the kids wear diapers and everything. At Madstone: 1:00, 3:05, 5:10, 7:15, 9:25.
Phone Numbers: Michigan Theater: 668-8397; Quality 16: 827-2837; Showcase: 973-8380; State: 761-8667.
Showtimes are effective Friday through Thursday. Matinee times at State Theater are effective for Saturday and Sunday only.
Dirty Pretty Things: Intrigues involving a Nigerian taxi driver in London. Sounds good enough for me. State Theater 7 & 9:45 p.m. 4 Stars.
Le Divorce: Kate Hudson, Meg Ryan’s proud successor, gives us more romantic comedy that we cherish so little. State Theater 7 p.m.
Step into Liquid: Blue Crush on testosterone and minus the girlies. Michigan Theater 7:15 & 9:30 p.m. 3 Stars.
Swimming Pool: Sexy, Euro thriller … ouhhh. State Theater 9:30 p.m. 3 Stars.
DA’JA Quintet: These guys break all the rules of the Bird by having, gasp, more than three people. Bird of Paradise, 312 S. Main St., 8:30 p.m. and 10:30 p.m. $20 ($15 student). 662-8310.
Detroit Symphony Orchestra: Phantom of the Opera House: Along with performing selections from Andrew Lloyd Weber’s “The Phantom of the Opera,” the DSO will also play the original soundtrack of the 1925 silent film version while the audience enjoys the movie. 8 p.m., Detroit Opera House, $15 – $54; 313-576-5111.
Los Gatos: Has anyone else noticed the way Subway is pulling a Taco Bell and making up new Italian food? What is a Chicken Pizziola any way? Think about it. The Firefly Club, 207 S. Ashley St., 5 p.m. $5. 665-9090.
The Paperboys: Dude, I loved that game. Remember when the kid on the big wheel would run out at you? Yeah, that was awesome. The Ark, 316 S. Main St. 8 p.m. $13.50. 761-1451.
American Splendor: Everything you could ask for in a flick about a fledgling comic book artist. Michigan Theater 7:15 & 9:30 p.m. 4 Stars.
Dirty Pretty Things: State Theater 7:15 & 9:45 p.m.
Thirteen: Note to self: If a party needs a lift, find teenage girls. At State Theater: 7:00 & 9:30.
DSO: Phantom of the Opera: See Thursday, 8:30 p.m.
Inner Recipe: Anyone else notice that Ron Brooks doesn’t play on Thursday’s anymore. Convenient, eh? Blind Pig, 208 S. First St., 9:30 p.m. $6 ($9 under 21). 996-8588.
Wolf Eyes: Don’t think you can get away from us by simply moving your shows, Ronny. It’s not that easy, pal. Elbow Room, 6 S. Washington St., Ypsilanti, 10 p.m. $5. 483-6374.
Chris Smither: One of these days, Ronny, this entire list is gonna be about you. Whatcha think about that, jazz boy? The Ark, 316 S. Main St. 8 p.m. $17.50. 761-1451.
The Drummers of Taiwan: A compelling, seamless work of rhythms, beat out on temple bells, gongs and drums, and movement, “The Sound of Ocean” traces the cyclical journey of water from drop to stream, from river to ocean. Friday 8 p.m., Power Center, $14-$38; 734-764-2538.
American Splendor: Michigan Theater 4, 7:15 & 9:30 p.m.
Dirty Pretty Things: State Theater (2:15), (4:45), 7:15, 9:45.
Thirteen: At State Theater: (2:00), (4:30), 7:00, 9:30.
Addison Groove Project: Always, always, always avoid bands with the word “project” their name. Seriously, name one good band, aside from the Alan Parsons Project. You can’t, can ya? Blind Pig, 208 S. First St., 9:30 p.m. $7. 996-8588.
Thrall: I wanted to make a Warcraft 3 joke here, but I doubt even the two other dudes would think it was funny. I know, it wasn’t even funny to me. Elbow Room, 6 S. Washington St., Ypsilanti, 10 p.m. $5. 483-6374.
Frequency: Did anyone see that movie when that dude used a HAM radio to talk to his dad? Yeah, Dennis Quaid sucks. “Enemy Mine” was good though. The Necto, 516 E. Liberty St., 10 p.m. $5 ($8 under 21). 994-5436.
The Drummers of Taiwan See Friday.
American Splendor: Michigan Theater 4:15, 6:45 & 9 p.m.
Dirty Pretty Things: State Theater 2:15, 4:45, 7:15 & 9:45 p.m.
Citizen Kane: They say it was monumental. I’m not gonna argue. Michigan Theater 4:00.
Swimming Pool: State Theater 9:30 p.m.
Thirteen: At State Theater: (2:00), (4:30), 7:00, 9:30.
Riders in the Sky: Ronnie, I miss ya. Please come home, the kids are crying. I’ll even make pork chops, the way you like. The Ark, 316 S. Main St. 8 p.m. $13.50. 761-1451.
Bird Jazz Jam Session: I know you’re there, Ronny. Why won’t you return my calls? At least update your LiveJournal or something. I just need to know you’re ok. Bird of Paradise, 312 S. Main St., 9 p.m. $3. 662-8310.