DISCLAIMER: This article was written as part of a spoof senior edition of the Michigan Daily. Its contents are meant only to amuse.
Matt: So Jane, what would you say is the best part of working for The Michigan Daily on a section like Weekend Magazine?
Jane: Well Matt, I would say it is the great deal on pop — 45 cents for a Coke is like getting a piggy-back ride from your Uncle Diapolus.
Matt: No shit, I really liked it because there were always free video games waiting for me in the mailroom. If there was ever a reason for joining the Daily, it’s all the free stuff you can get.
Jane: If you were invisible, what would you do?
Matt: I would probably go to the Diag and hit protesters in the balls. I think that would be nice. How about you, Jane?
Jane: I would hide out on a space shuttle and become the first invisible woman in outerspace.
Matt: Good answer. So do you prefer boxers or briefs?
Jane: Are you retarded? I’m a girl! Thongs, of course.
Matt: That’s cool. Personally, I like to go Commando. All that freedom in my pants. I’m out there and loving it. And do you know what I like best?
Jane: What’s that?
Matt: The price.
Jane: Would you date a really ugly woman, and I mean really ugly, just because she worked at Taco Bell and could give you free food?
Matt: Did you see our last cover of Weekend? I love the tacos. I would do anything for tacos. But the fact of the matter, Jane, is I cannot fit both the ugly girl and the tacos in the mail.
So tell me, what would you do for some pintos and cheese?
Jane: Not much. I am trying to cut back on the Taco Bell — it makes me, as Bono would say it, a “Farty Girl.”
Matt, Budweiser is the “King of Beers.” If you were named the king of something,what would that be?
Matt: I must be “King of the Wicker People.” Would you be the “Queen of the Damned?”
Jane: No, actually I think I would be the Queen of the Noseflarers.
Matt: Noseflarerers … well God bless you then. So I hear your mom is a nun?
Jane: Actually, she was a nun, but that is a sensitive subject that I only discuss with my therapist.
Matt: You go to a therapist! So who has more serious problems, you or Tony Soprano?
Jane: Tony, definitely — but I still think he’s grrr-eat.
Speaking of tigers, I know people can be a tiger in bed, but how about at editing?
Matt: Well, I consider myself to be a tiger with punctuation. Do you remember our issue with the sick girl on the cover? I think I did a great job dealing with all the errors in that issue.
So now that I have proclaimed myself a tiger, is there any animal you would consider yourself to be somewhat like?
Jane: I like dolphins, did you know that they have names for each other? What would your dolphin name be?
Matt: Shit, I don’t know. If I was a Native American, my name would be “Bad Best Picture with Robin Hood.”
So Jane, what are your plans for Wednesday nights now that you don’t have to produce the Weekend section anymore?
Jane: Well, I have always wanted to spend more time in the Arb. But I don’t want to go there with anyone. I want to cuddle with the squirrels and run around in the buff. I could be Jane of the Arb.
OK Matt, here’s a doozy of a question for you. What do you think of people that drive PT Cruisers and wear wooden clogs?
Matt: Well that’s an interesting breed. I am sure they would be OK so long as they weren’t left in charge of saving page three in the Weekend Magazine section.
Jane, it’s time for Final Jeopardy. If you were stranded on a desert island with only Weekend Magazine, would you: A) use it for toilet paper; B) make it your holy bible; C) have nasty thoughts about Ben Goldstein; or D) leave it on the ground like all the students on campus?
Jane: I would have to go with none of the above. I would make papier-m