“But, Dad, celebrities are commodities!” ASHLEY OLSEN, new significant other to Lance Armstrong, accompanied the cyclist’s daughter show and tell. No word on a two-for-one deal with Mary Kate.

Say it ain’t so, Ellen. ELLEN DEGENERES crossed the Writers Guild picket line to tape another episode of her show.

We knew it all along: MIT kids care about the environment – and are stupendously lazy. In an effort to make sure your feet never carry the rest of your body, the school has come up with the concept of tiny, stackable city cars. They’d chill outside subway and bus stops and would run on electricity. No word yet if the carbon footprint you won’t leave will make up for your friends who stop hanging out with you.

Whoa. GIBSON has developed a guitar that tunes itself and is expected to drop in about a year. No, John Mayer riffs won’t sound better. Neither will you.

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