I’m not sure what made me sicker:
the Arby’s I just ate for dinner, or hearing Allen Iverson
came out with a shoe that has “The Realest” printed
across its sole.
- Laura Wong
The Arby’s sent me to the bathroom three times in five
minutes; Iverson challenged my throne. I claimed this title in
early February with my first column: “Jim Weber should not be
confused with a realist: one with realistic expectations. He is The
Realest: the most real.”
With great power comes great responsibility. And being
“The Realest” means accepting anyone’s challenge.
If that challenger is a five-time NBA All Star and former League
MVP, so be it. With the ball in my court, I selected a wide variety
of categories to settle the challenge (being The Realest also has
many privileges).
To the comparison chart:
Category: Hardest headshot
Weber: See above
Iverson: See above
Edge: Iverson
Category: Latest brush with law
Weber: Ticketed after turning left onto State Street from Huron
while returning home
Iverson: Allegedly pulling gun on two men while searching for
wife
Edge: Iverson
Category: Signature move
Weber: Dry humping (see Feb. 13, 2003 issu of Weekend
Magazine)
Iverson: Crossover dribble
Edge: Iverson
Category: Best gift for mom
Weber: Bathrobe
Iverson: Red Jaguar
Edge: Iverson
Category: Self-proclaimed trendsetter of…
Weber: The Claw
Iverson: Cornrows
Edge: Iverson
Category: Instead of studying freshman year…
Weber: Covered club sports for the Daily
Iverson: Did time in jail following bowling-alley brawl
Edge: Iverson
Category: After feeling disrespected…
Weber: Quit the Daily sports staff at beginning of junior
year
Iverson: Sat bench in Milwaukee Bucks outfit to spite interim
coach Chris Ford
Edge: Weber
Category: Worst ailment faced
Weber: Kidney stones during middle of Michigan-Washington
football opener in 2002
Iverson: Current knee injury that will keep him out for rest of
season
Edge: Weber
Category: Annual salary
Weber: $2,400 (including endorsements)
Iverson: $12 million (excluding endorsements)
Edge: Iverson
Category: Favorite NBA moment
Weber: Cheering Ricky Davis on TNT as Davis entered game against
his former team, the Cleveland Cavaliers
Iverson: Being the 1996 NBA Draft’s No. 1 overall pick
Edge: Iverson
Category: Sample rap lyric
Weber: You, you at Kinko’s, selling your cassette singles / And
yeah I jacked that line, but I ain’t a new jack / So don’t talk
smack, you’re a quack like an Oregon Duck
Iverson: How you wanna die: fast or slowly? / Fast as a rolie,
slow as a rolie-polie
Edge: Push
Category: Can’t stop repeating…
Weber: Pointless columns
Iverson: “We talkin’ bout practice”
Edge: Iverson
At this point I started to realize Allen Iverson is a hell of a
lot realer than I am.
Accepting defeat, I had to see the shoe that led to my downfall.
So I headed over to my friend’s place and picked up one of
those hideous red and black shoes. There it was splattered across
the sole: “The Realist.”
What? Real-ist, not Real-est?
As in, Allen Iverson is pragmatic and practical?
I laughed uncontrollably. There is nothing sadder than a fallen
champion; and after all the time I spent worrying about becoming
one, it turned out Iverson never even challenged my title.
Either Team Iverson decided to reposition Allen as practical, or
they made a serious spelling blunder.
Or maybe they just found out “The Realest” was
taken.
One of the other privileges of being The Realest is a month
break between challengers (in other words, not until after
graduation on May 1). If you want to e-mail Jim Weber about
anything else, he can be reached at
“mailto:jamesmw@umich.edu”>jamesmw@umich.edu