I’m not sure what made me sicker:
the Arby’s I just ate for dinner, or hearing Allen Iverson
came out with a shoe that has “The Realest” printed
across its sole.

Laura Wong

The Arby’s sent me to the bathroom three times in five
minutes; Iverson challenged my throne. I claimed this title in
early February with my first column: “Jim Weber should not be
confused with a realist: one with realistic expectations. He is The
Realest: the most real.”

With great power comes great responsibility. And being
“The Realest” means accepting anyone’s challenge.
If that challenger is a five-time NBA All Star and former League
MVP, so be it. With the ball in my court, I selected a wide variety
of categories to settle the challenge (being The Realest also has
many privileges).

 

To the comparison chart:

 

Category: Hardest headshot

Weber: See above

Iverson: See above

Edge: Iverson

 

Category: Latest brush with law

Weber: Ticketed after turning left onto State Street from Huron
while returning home

Iverson: Allegedly pulling gun on two men while searching for
wife

Edge: Iverson

 

Category: Signature move

Weber: Dry humping (see Feb. 13, 2003 issu of Weekend
Magazine)

Iverson: Crossover dribble

Edge: Iverson

 

Category: Best gift for mom

Weber: Bathrobe

Iverson: Red Jaguar

Edge: Iverson

 

Category: Self-proclaimed trendsetter of…

Weber: The Claw

Iverson: Cornrows

Edge: Iverson

 

Category: Instead of studying freshman year…

Weber: Covered club sports for the Daily

Iverson: Did time in jail following bowling-alley brawl

Edge: Iverson

 

Category: After feeling disrespected…

Weber: Quit the Daily sports staff at beginning of junior
year

Iverson: Sat bench in Milwaukee Bucks outfit to spite interim
coach Chris Ford

Edge: Weber

 

Category: Worst ailment faced

Weber: Kidney stones during middle of Michigan-Washington
football opener in 2002

Iverson: Current knee injury that will keep him out for rest of
season

Edge: Weber

 

Category: Annual salary

Weber: $2,400 (including endorsements)

Iverson: $12 million (excluding endorsements)

Edge: Iverson

 

Category: Favorite NBA moment

Weber: Cheering Ricky Davis on TNT as Davis entered game against
his former team, the Cleveland Cavaliers

Iverson: Being the 1996 NBA Draft’s No. 1 overall pick

Edge: Iverson

 

Category: Sample rap lyric

Weber: You, you at Kinko’s, selling your cassette singles / And
yeah I jacked that line, but I ain’t a new jack / So don’t talk
smack, you’re a quack like an Oregon Duck

Iverson: How you wanna die: fast or slowly? / Fast as a rolie,
slow as a rolie-polie

Edge: Push

 

Category: Can’t stop repeating…

Weber: Pointless columns

Iverson: “We talkin’ bout practice”

Edge: Iverson

 

At this point I started to realize Allen Iverson is a hell of a
lot realer than I am.

Accepting defeat, I had to see the shoe that led to my downfall.
So I headed over to my friend’s place and picked up one of
those hideous red and black shoes. There it was splattered across
the sole: “The Realist.”

What? Real-ist, not Real-est?

As in, Allen Iverson is pragmatic and practical?

I laughed uncontrollably. There is nothing sadder than a fallen
champion; and after all the time I spent worrying about becoming
one, it turned out Iverson never even challenged my title.

Either Team Iverson decided to reposition Allen as practical, or
they made a serious spelling blunder.

Or maybe they just found out “The Realest” was
taken.

One of the other privileges of being The Realest is a month
break between challengers (in other words, not until after
graduation on May 1). If you want to e-mail Jim Weber about
anything else, he can be reached at
“mailto:jamesmw@umich.edu”>jamesmw@umich.edu

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