It has come to our attention that Daily columnist/village idiot Aubrey Henretty has yet to comment publicly on the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks. We apologize for her insensitivity. Out of respect for the dead, this week”s column titled “Cheese in a can: It”s all about technique” will not be seen at this time. Instead, here”s something a bit more socially relevant courtesy of a prominent cable news channel. So just sit back, relax and let your I.Q. rise
ANNOUNCER: You”re watching DNN”s special coverage of the downfall of humanity. The Doom News Network: All terror, all the time. Rely on DNN.
ANCHOR: Welcome back to DNN”s extended coverage of the War on Dirty Foreigners Who Wish to Kill and Eat Our Children. I”m Rod Grimly. Making headlines today, bio-terrorism: Could the nation”s supply of animal crackers be next? Also, on the economic front, Dow Jones spokesman and investor Rich Whitey has confirmed to DNN that the stock market has, quote, “officially gone to shit.” To make ends meet, Whitey said he may be forced to shut down three of his Mexican sweatshops, leaving hundreds of malnourished Spanish-speaking children out of work. But more on that in a moment. First, let”s go to Frank Stern in studio 13 for a DNN exclusive interview. Frank?
FRANK: Thanks, Rod. I”m here with creation”s foremost authority on doom, the almighty God himself. Thank you so much for talking with us today, Your Holiness. I know you must have a lot on your mind right now.
GOD: Don”t mention it. And please, call me God I can”t stand euphemisms.
FRANK: No, of course not. No beating around the bush. We”ll cut right to the chase. Is there any truth to the rumors that the Sept. 11 attacks were apocalyptic in nature? Is this, you know, it? Should the human race be preparing for the end of the world?
GOD: You want me to tell you when the apocalypse is going to happen? Ha, ha. What would be the fun in that? I will tell you, though, that leveling buildings isn”t really my style. I”m more of a floods and fires kind of guy, myself. Brimstone, too. I”m a fan of brimstone.
FRANK: What is brimstone, exactly?
GOD: Didn”t you ever take chemistry?
FRANK: No, I was a communications major.
GOD: Sulfur. It”s just another word for sulfur. Anyway, like I was saying, I had nothing to do with that mess. Sure, Americans are materialistic, selfish and empirically unintelligent, but they pay for that in other ways.
FRANK: What do you mean, “other ways?”
GOD: Oh, you know Starbucks, “Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire,” the Olsen twins, the fashion industry, Carrot Top, World Championship Wrestling, Jerry Falwell
FRANK: Have you spoken to Jerry Falwell?
FRANK: You said you take no responsibility for the dastardly Sept. 11 attacks. Don”t you feel at least partly responsible? The terrorists did seem to think you were on their side.
GOD: Oh, you”re one to talk about assigning me a side! Everywhere I go in this country, it”s “one nation under God this” this and “God bless America” that. Is that a request or a command? Huh? What makes you little peons think I”m rooting for you?
FRANK: Ah, well, I
GOD: Is that all I am to you? Fodder for your tragedy graphics? I mean, not that I”m opposed to the idea of blessing America per se, but you make it sound like I have to choose between blessing it and crushing it with my benevolent fist, the way you supercilious snots have been doing with Afghanistan. Look, I”m not Santa Claus I don”t catalogue countries in terms of “naughty” and “nice.” I don”t mess around everybody gets blessed. I don”t play favorites. Period. And another thing
FRANK: I”m sorry, God, but that”s all the time we have for today
GOD: a whole bunch of people are about to starve to death! Actual people with kids and headaches and laundry and
FRANK: Again, we”d like to thank God for being with us today
GOD: Wait! Wait! I wasn”t
FRANK: and may he bless America.
ANCHOR: Thank you, Frank. And thank you, God. What a fascinating perspective. Coming up this hour: Anthrax: Coming soon to a closed ventilation system near you! Also, a look at Osama bin Laden”s heavily guarded dental records and a bleak report on the state of airport security. But first, this cinematic sequence involving billowing flags, presidential mugs and patriotic sound bites. And then a word from our sponsor. Stay tuned.
Aubrey Henretty”s usual tripe will be back in two weeks. In the mean time, she can be reached via e-mail at email@example.com.