Dear Mr. President,

Howdy. I realize you’re a busy man so let’s not beat around the bush. In the wake of last week’s hurricane and subsequent flooding of the Gulf Coast region, you have come under fire for sending delayed and insufficient relief. I, for one, would like to congratulate you on your handling of this situation and would like to make one important request: Stop sending aid to New Orleans.

It is clear to me now, it took me a minute to figure out your brilliant plans that you have already thought this through. Sure, there are people calling you a hypocrite for promising to protect America while standing by for nearly three whole days while New Orleans tore itself apart in the aftermath of the hurricane. But great minds think alike, Mr. President, and I am right with you on this one.

I now understand that the day you stood so valiantly on the rubble of the World Trade Center and swore to avenge the victims you were acting more out of anger than sympathy. But hey, it’s cool. A man’s got to do what he understands, and if you only understand war, then by all means, let us have war.

Now that’s the problem in this situation, isn’t it? There are no enemies we can stereotype, no countries responsible that we can overwhelm and though there may once come the blessed day when we can nuke that old, social-security-hoarding, Canadian-drug-mail-ordering witch named Mother Nature, alas, that day is not yet here. Therein laiesyour problem, Mr. President. There is no room for hot-headedness in this situation, only room for sympathy and level-headed action. So if anyone like the mayor of New Orleans blames you for standing by and doing nothing, you can just claim you were playing to your strengths.

So what if National Guard troops arrived in New Orleans three days after the storm? People should not be blaming you, but rather thanking you for sending any troops at all. It is obvious no troops arrived immediately because there were none standing by. A lot of the people who would have been standing by­ — reservists, they call them­ — are on active duty in Iraq. Now come on, fighting the evil-doing evildoers halfway across the globe is more important than saving our own dying people?

Some blame you for cutting flood protection grants in the years leading up to this hurricane. Well, I ask how dare they? So what if one of our nation’s most treasured cities suddenly has about 500 extra rivers? The important thing is that you were able to squeeze some more money out and use it to give more tax cuts to that all-important top 1 percent, luckily, none of these people are among those starving and dying in the Superdome. Heck, what’s so bad about the flooding? What’s wrong with the way New Orleans looks now? Has a bit of that enchanted Venice feel if you ask me.

That foolish mayor of New Orleans had the nerve to send a “Desperate SOS,” just because bodies were piling up around him. What a baby! This guy is almost as bad as those soldiers who want body armor; who do these people think they are? They want to survive — well I want a pony.

Ungrateful people like him need to be taught a lesson. I say you already went out on a limb — taking time out of your well-earned five-month-long vacation and all. Retract all federal aid in New Orleans; there are only a few thousand in need of help now, anyway. This petty relief operation is going to cost too much, and you might even have to take some funds out of your beloved “war on terror.” We don’t need any of that, there are still too many evildoers left to smoke out. And here’s the kicker: Because you’ve already mobilized all of these National Guard troops, why not just send them to Iraq instead of home?

Here’s a quick recap: having no significant number of national guardsman standing by, even when a category 4-5 storm is imminent. Stellar. Cutting flood protection grants for a city below sea level? Smooth to the max. Offering nothing but empty words to the sick and dying? Touché. Having thousands of troops in Baghdad while gangs take over New Orleans, shooting at rescue helicopters, looting stores and making the police station the fortress of a last stand? Cool, calm and key.

 

Syed is an LSA sophomore, and a member of the Daily’s editorial board.

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