When I first signed my lease to live with girls, years of watching “The Real World” had skewed my view of what the situation would be like.

Jason Pesick

I thought, “When will I have my first threesome in the bathtub? In the first week? No, probably not until the second.”

It certainly isn’t for a lack of attractiveness that my scenario has not played itself out. Each of the girls I live with are attractive in a universal way, i.e. you don’t have to say things like, “She’s cute once you get to know her” in order to describe them.

They are already attractive to everyone. Combine this with the fact that I think my other guy roommate and myself have our moments and you have a recipe for some teenage hijinks.

So, why isn’t anyone hooking up?

Is it because we are too pissed off about how the community orange juice lasts three hours?

Is it because the girls are too concerned about studying while the guys are too concerned about winning beer pong night at Touchdown’s?

Have we not reached the point where both convenience and desperation meet?

Or is it simply because nobody has the balls to say anything?

It is probably all of these things.

I guess it is just as well, because it saves the house from a potentially awkward situation if a relationship doesn’t form as a result.

Once you hook up with someone, your relationship changes greatly (Thanks, Captain Obvious!) and it takes a lot to either move forward into full-blown exclusivity or to fall back into anonymity.

To tread that thin line of hooking up with nothing else is nearly impossible.

This brings me to my Valentine’s Day message to you:

Don’t take your fuckbuddy out on the most romantic day of the year.

(From here on, I will spare you from an expletive-riddled column by using the term “funbuddy” for the relationship.)

The implication of Valentine’s Day is that there is one person that you would like to spend the night with, engaged in temporarily non-sexual activities.

If you ask your funbuddy, then you are asking for trouble.

To borrow a line from the underrated Tom Cruise flick “Cocktail,” (best known for containing “Kokomo” on the soundtrack):

“All things end badly or else they wouldn’t end.”

This is especially true for the funbuddy relationship.

I have not seen one that has not left neither party bitter.

It is inevitable that one person will want more than the other.

After all, so many questions come with having a funbuddy:

1. Should you get mad if they hook up with someone else?

2. What happens when you start to like them outside of the bedroom?

3. Should you have a moral dilemma if you don’t like them outside the bedroom?

These are tough questions that everyone reacts to differently and certainly I’m not telling anyone how they should react.

But they are questions that will come up if you and your funbuddy spend Valentine’s Day together.

Yet despite all the negatives, finding that special funbuddy can be one of the best parts about being single.

It’s like 10-10-220; there is no commitment. There is no obligation on either side to stay together so there should not be any guilt.

If you get a call at 2 a.m., there is no question what it is going to be about.

You don’t have to dodge classic relationship fights such as, “I didn’t know you could get drunk at the library” and “If you cared about me as much as you care about video games…”

It can even be one of the most honest relationships. Both of you know what you want and there are no games.

Plus, it is always good to have a backup plan – there is no shame in that.

The entire relationship can be necessary and cathartic for you. Without it, you could become preoccupied, unable to think without a release. The benefits could affect all aspects of your life – as long as you know what you are doing.

So don’t hesitate to fun around, but save it for the other 364 days of the year. Otherwise you run the risk of asking questions you don’t want to hear the answer to.


– Send all valentines for Jeff Phillips to jpphilli@umich.edu.

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