The game of hokey pokey that the United States has been playing with Israel should come to an end. Israel’s insistence of putting their right foot in the West Bank and taking it out when we release an ominous Darth Vader breath results in little more than us and the rest of the world shaking our heads all about. Sure, the people of Israel won a war (and winning wars means entitlement of land and property – it’s the American way) and in this day and age, theoretically the land should be Israel’s soil – but such is not the case.
Conflict was constant; there was no solution in sight.
Often criticized for meddling in other nations’ affairs, the time has come for the United States to make a sacrifice for peace in the Middle East. We will give our lifeblood, pulsing with platelets trying to fill a wound that only our sacrifice can heal.
We will give up the Dakotas.
Yes, we will give up both of them.
We will exercise the inexplicable power that is the United States’ will, and flex our muscle to mobilize the nation of Israel and move it to North and South Dakota.
Initially problematic in this modern exodus is where will the people of the Dakotas go. Undoubtedly, families are rooted deeply in the Dakotas and in the rich history that comes with being from these magnanimous two states. First, the United States will launch its crack team of civil engineers into the counties of the Dakotas, drawing county lines and gathering intense amounts of data about the residents and their relatives. Then, using these carefully mapped counties they will analyze the remaining 48 U.S. states find places to move the respective counties to.
Oh yes, we will be moving counties.
The county-moving operation will serve as a fantastic introduction to the eventual task of nation-moving. These new counties will be drawn into other counties, moving county lines and displacing other people all in the name of Peace in the Middle East. This nationwide displacement will show us as the selfless human beings that we are. Further, it will involve the nation as a whole rather than the residents of the Dakotas.
To make up for our stark removal of the fine people of North and South Dakota, we will award them reparations. Wonderful reparations will be awarded to the Dakotans for their sacrifice – we will let them own casinos. It worked last time.
After we’ve cured the problems in the homeland, we will be fully prepared to move the people of Israel into their new home, nestled softly in the bosom of plane states. I’ve heard especially wonderful things about the people of Montana; they will probably have a large fruit basket waiting for Israel when she completes her move. Iowans are generally very nice as well.
Should Israel not find this to be a good idea, we will present a few key arguments that will undoubtedly change their collective mind. The combined square mileage of North and South Dakota is 144,861 square miles, Israel only has 10,840 square miles of land to call its own. It is about the size of Maryland, but when is the last time a member of the Terrapin state has gone to the local Meijer and blown themselves to holy hell? Not in the last 10 years, at least. There will be 13.3 times more land in “New Israel,” as the country will be called, than in their previous home, buried in the middle-eastern field of hate where the enemies of Israel stand guard around the nation’s border.
If the giant increase in landmass, for her delightful population isn’t enough, we do have other options to lure Israel into the magical kingdom formerly known as the Dakotas. We can build them a better temple than the one they are rebuilding. We will use our masterful, unionized construction workers to erect a super temple. It will be fully furnished and will have digital cable, or satellite – whichever Israel deems best.
In case the offer of our incredible technical know-how isn’t enough, we will also protect their holy temple via our own Star Wars missile defense plan, turning the temple of God into a fortress on par with Cobra’s Terror Drome.
We will fly the people of Israel to the United States on planes outfitted first class top to bottom and we will fly them to New Israel alphabetically, so we can be completely fair and not play favorites.
It is an offer that the United States can make, you can be a part of and Israel cannot turn down. It is just too damn good.
Luke Smith can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.