The University’s imaginary grads

Dr. Gregory House

Continuing the trend of pain-in-ass-yet-great-at-what-they-do graduates, Dr. House sits atop the list as one of the most accomplished.

The limping doctor was expelled from Johns Hopkins for cheating, so he went to the next logical place, the University of Michigan’s medical school to earn his M.D. Armed with a world-class education, House has conquered every mysterious disease ever mentioned in any crevice of every obscure textbook.

If he ever gets tired of solving medical mysteries, House should come back here and teach Biochemistry. You might fail all the exams and get hit with a cane if your cell phone rings, but – damn it – you’ll learn something.

Ari Gold

Entourage

Yes, that’s right, television’s most powerful Hollywood superagent is a University alum. Though he went to Harvard for his undergraduate degree (where he was a member of Zeta Beta Tau), Gold came to the University for his JD/MBA at the Ross School of Business.

Gold knows his educational background gives him the expertise to manage the career of fictional “A-lister” Vincent Chase better than Chase’s neighborhood chum Eric. (Eric: And what are you, a Rhodes Scholar? Ari: No, I’m just a lowly Harvard grad with a JD/MBA from Michigan, that’s it, Eric.)

Sure, he’s massively arrogant and egotistic (in no way reflective of real B-school students), but he always gets the job done, earning an exceptionally high commission as the head of the Miller Gold Talen Agency in Los Angeles. Except when he gets fired, sued or eaten alive by Harvey Weinstein.

“The big Chill”

cast of characters

“The Big Chill” tells the story of a group of former college friends reunited after their friend commits suicide. The college? The University of Michigan, of course.

The characters’ post-graduation professions include law, medicine, acting, journalism and psychology. The journalist, Michael Gold, was actually a Michigan Daily staffer, played by Jeff Goldblum, with the typical class and integrity that everyone at this fine newspaper possesses. And, like so many Daily alums, he works for that bastion of high-class journalism, People magazine.

Watch “The Big Chill” for uncanny University moments like an impassioned appraisal of Bo Schembechler’s record, as well as what could be an illuminating window into the reunions you and your friends will one day have as University alumni. (The actor: So how’s your life? The writer-turned-trophy wife: Oh, great. How’s yours? The actor: Not so great. Writer/trophy wife: Oh, we’re telling the truth.)

Another interesting note, Kevin Costner was the recently deceased friend, yet all his scenes got cut. Guess he had to wait until “Waterworld” for his big break.

Guy Gardener

“The Green Lantern“

The University’s only superhero alum is unique because most superheroes either pass up the hallowed halls of academia and go straight to saving the world from arch villains (Despite his name, it’s hard to see Wolverine sitting through an Econ 401 lecture) or graduate from places like Metropolis University or Gotham Community College.

Guy Gardener, one of many faces to don the Green Lantern’s mask, attended the University of Michigan and double majored in education and psychology. He was also reported to be a “nationally renowned football hero” during his time at the University, but couldn’t pursue a pro career after being drafted by the Cleveland Browns due to a knee injury.

Even when he became the Green Lantern, Gardner kept his school pride. He sports the Block “M” on his lantern ring and regularly evokes the Wolverines in pun-laden exchanges with bad guys. Too bad he didn’t have the Green Lantern ring as an undergrad (It would have meant four years of national championships).

Of course, even the University’s superhero can’t escape the University of Michigan jerk rep – Batman once punched him in the face for being cocky.