Being the keen observer that I am, I”ve picked up on a few behaviors that students at this university should never, never indulge in.

Paul Wong
Don”t make me come back there<br><br>Jeremy W. Peters

Mainly the perpetrators are the younger members of our community, freshmen and sophomores who haven”t quite figured out what is and is not acceptable. Of course, there are also those who belong to the upper classes and somehow haven”t advanced at a normal level. So, if you are either 1) too young to remember the CRISP lady or 2) you do remember her but are the type to take notes on your laptop, read on. This list should serve as a guide for making your college experience (and those of people who sit next to you in class) a bit more loosely wound.

1. Never ask a question in lecture during the last minute of class when the professor says, “Does anyone have any questions?”

This point really shouldn”t require any further explanation, but I feel as if there are some of you out there who just can”t figure out that class is boring and most of us don”t want to be there any longer than we have to. If you have a question, go to office hours. That”s what they”re for. We don”t care to listen to you talk just so you can hear your own voice and schmooze the professor in the process.

2. Don”t make your frat or sorority a frequent topic of conversation.

You know who you are. Greeks who find it necessary to broadcast to everyone within earshot how they had “the coolest two-way with Alpha Barf Up Dinner, and the social chair was too drunk to work the door so we”re afraid we”ll be on social probation now.”

Newsflash. Being in a fraternity or sorority doesn”t make you cool and if you need to talk about it profusely because it makes you feel cool, please step in front of the next moving bus you see.

3. If you”re over 30, please don”t take classes here.

Accuse me of ageism, but I find these “older” people to be a major distraction. They do things like ask questions in the last minute of lecture (see above), tell stories about how “when I was in my twenties” and occasionally bring their kids with them to class. I had a lecture once with a 45 year-old woman who used to bring her 10 year-old son with her from time to time. This kid was bigger than me and somehow, these two would always find a seat right behind me so he could conveniently kick the back of my chair with his L.A. Gear light-up shoes.

4. Don”t take up any more than one seat in class.

I”ve seen kids who have occupied up to four seats at one time. One for their coat, one for their coffee, one for their feet and one for their slovenly self.

Once someone (one of those “older” students) had her coffee resting on the armrest of the chair next to me a chair she was not sitting in of course because she needed it for her coat and knocked her latte right in my lap while she was adjusting from one butt cheek to the other. I stopped going to that class.

5. Don”t think you”re a journalist just because you work for WOLV-TV.

6. Don”t ask your neighbor to keep the noise down unless it”s absolutely necessary especially if you live in the dorms.

We”re in college, people. It can be noisy.

I had the fortune of living next door to the Minority Peer Adviser my freshman year. This woman had an entire quad (with a private bathroom) to herself while the other RAs lived a peasant”s life in one of the typical University dorm rooms and had to walk down the hall to shower. This woman used to call DPS on my roommates and I when we were partying on Friday nights. Meanwhile, I had to ask her at least twice to keep it down on nights during exam week. What her logic was, I have no idea.

7. Never take the elevator to the second floor.

I can”t tell you how many times I”ve been on the elevator at Dennison and it”s packed with people, all saying “hit 5” or “could you hit 7, please” and there”s always the one girl (usually bordering on heavy-set) who says “hit 2 for me.” No. I will not hit 2 for you. You can walk your fat ass up the stairs and burn off some of those calories from that Wendy”s triple-cheese bacon burger you”re munching on in that chubby little hand of yours.

Well, this is almost a top ten list. There are certainly more than seven things wrong with the student body here. When and if I go to class next, I”m sure I”ll come across one of you people I missed. Know this: You”re suspect.

Jeremy W. Peters can be reached at jwpeters@umich.edu

Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *