Summer is almost over and you”re bored. You have to move out of your place and store all your stuff in your ex-roommate”s brother”s basement and then stay at your parents” house even though your old bedroom has now been converted into “the fish tank room.” I understand. August is the cruelest month. Since this is my last column, I”ve decided to come up with some pull-them-yourself pranks to make the last days of summer just a little easier to take. I”ve laid out two pranks for you: Just pick the one you like best and experiment.

Paul Wong
Katie Mulcrone

PRANK #1: Haiku Hysteria

Are you looking for an exciting new career? Well, try filling out job applications in haiku. This prank is even better if the application is for your current job and you”re filling it out while you”re at work. It will just be funnier that way. I”ll give you a few sample haikus to get you started. The application I filled out asked me to explain the difference between a network and a server, so I came up with:

Network is village / Server is tribal leader / Bearing gifts for all

See how easy that was? When they wanted to know the basic difference between a Zip disk and a floppy disk I wrote:

Floppy disk is cup / Zip disk is big pitcher / Both filled with knowledge

Most people have customer service jobs, right? Well, there”s always some bullshit on the application about providing great customer service, some question like, “What”s the secret to great customer service?” Well here it is:

Smile at strange man. / Do not vomit on his shoes. / Stop looking at porn.

It didn”t take me long to come up with these little haikus. This prank is even better when you fill out the application with someone else at your work. You should probably make up a fake identity while you”re at it, unless you”re applying somewhere that actually considers condescension and sarcasm valuable customer service skill. (And on that note, Ameritech is always looking for good folks to man the phone lines!)

PRANK #2: Fake Notification-of-STD Phone Call/E-mail

Nothing says, “What the hell?” like calling up someone you”ve never had sex with to tell him/her that you have a sexually transmitted disease! Just be sure you haven”t slept with them. Your conversation should go something like this:

“Um, hey, this is Karen. I have to tell you something.”

“Karen who?”

“I have HPV.”

“Who are you?”

“So, yeah, you should get checked out.”

“Is this Karen from my history class?”

“My doctor says it”s pretty contagious.”

“Wait a minute. We never slept together!”

This is a pretty gutsy move, though. Also, you”ll probably start laughing. I recommend the e-mail approach. Just send the following e-mail to someone you”ve hardly ever been in the same room with:

Dear Kevin,

My doctor requests that I contact everyone I”ve had sexual contact with in the last six months to inform them that I”ve been diagnosed with condyloma acuminata, which is also known as HPV or genital warts. Untreated genital warts can eventually spread, grow and multiply into large clusters. These may cause a variety of health complications depending on where they are located. Symptoms may range from localized discomfort and pain to bleeding and difficulty in urination or swallowing. You should visit your doctor immediately for an examination. We should have coffee soon and catch up!

Love, Karen.

You get the idea. It would be even funnier if you made it a mass e-mail or, better yet, created a group, like . That way, your false suitors can network. Oh, you don”t know how to create an e-mail group?

Directory “bind” / Create new group, type its name / Add members, then save.

This is Katie Mulcrone”s last column for the Daily. She can be reached via e-mail at kmulcron@umich.edu.

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