Bieber Fever will never die, people. Never. Die. This prepubescent demon spawn is unstoppable. He’s a media-saturation monster hell-bent on world domination. And just in time for Halloween, the darkest fiery pits of the underworld have unleashed a trailer for the unholy documentary monstrosity known to mere mortals as “Never Say Never,” in terrible, expensive 3-D.

What more can be said about this upcoming “film,” whose prophecy was foretold by soothsayers hundreds of years ago? How must we convince the unsuspecting public to snap up their torches and pitchforks and take to the streets, mob-of-angry-villagers style? Who will be entertained by 90 minutes of Bieberized home videos interspliced with cult-brainwashing concert footage and interviews with fawning teenage girls? Why does this trailer imply that there was somehow a large amount of hardship for His Bieberness to overcome, when in truth he was prenatally blessed by the Almighty Hand of Usher?

Justin Bieber will enslave your youth and murder your pets. When he elects himself president of the world, he will command us to toil for long hours in his diamond mines.

Look at what you all have wrought upon humankind. Look into his dreamy 3-D eyes, and weep for all eternity.

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