Fear is as old as humanity itself. A terrified Kane feared the wrath of God and his fellow men, his heart ached with terror and confusion, as reality snapped into focus and horrible death loomed before him. None of the following cinematic efforts would have even jolted Kane slightly. This is taking into account that the mere idea of a projected moving image would have no doubt been so troubling to a primitive mind that the mere thought of it would have quite possibly caused death and/or complete loss of bowels. This list is a guide for the uninitiated, and I feel true pity for any of you that have actually seen any of these atrocious atrocities. Please, stay away.
10. Alien Blood Filmed on digital video, this undyingly bizarre film begins showcasing some very interesting cinematography before disintegrating into a sexless porno romp about vampires and aliens, or vampire aliens, or some damn thing. Seriously, it chronicles the exploits of a pregnant women and her young daughter running from some snipers wearing white bags on their heads. Soon they seek refuge in a whore-house full of vampires. The video case promises an “unforgettably gruesome blood-soaked special effects packed finale,” but I didn’t actually make it to the end. Please e-mail me if it was any good.
9. The Beyond This is considered by many to be Italian horror heavyweight Lucio Fulci’s “capolavoro” cementing him as the greatest goremiester on the planet. So, why then does this mess about the seven gates of hell and the walking dead devolve into humorous post-Romero drivel that’s dubbed (from English to English, based on lip movement) like a Sonny Chiba movie? As flesh-eating zombies attack, a confused protagonist can’t seem to get it straight that shooting them in the head kills them, wasting bullet after bullet. “Don’t worry,” he tells a young lass the zombie intend to, uh, eat, “I’m a doctor,” which often comes in handy while fighting zombies. Did “Eyes Wide Shut” really steal this line?
8. Jack Frost No, not the rollicking Michael Keaton family comedy, but (insert joke here). A killer uses magic, “Child’s Play”-style, to turn himself into a snowman, and then he keeps killing people. Oh, and did I mention that he takes off his nose and rapes a women? With his CARROT NOSE? If you listen closely during that particular scene, you can hear the innocence of my childhood being violated by unwieldy irony (and a carrot).
7. Basket Case What could be scarier than a deranged young man carrying around his excised Siamese-twin brother in a basket? So what if the brother is little more than a head-and-arms mass with plastic teeth, and only moves in stop-motion so advanced Pixar wouldn’t excrete it? And a twenty minute flashback showing you the murderous brother’s motivation? Motivation for a murderous head with arms? Brilliant! Hitchcock could have made this work. Frank Henenlotter, whose second most famous movie is “Basket Case II,” not so much.
6. Street Trash Far be it from me to condemn a film that includes a scene where a crazy homeless man puts some turkeys in his pants and crashes through a window, a Vietnam flashback where the Viet Cong are all vampires and of course, two guys playing catch with the penis of a third party. The most recognizable actor in this “film” played the mayor in “The Toxic Avenger,” and you find yourself in wonton lust of the quality production value of the Troma stalwart. Sit back, relax, enjoy some Viper (which melts bums from the inside out) and explain the mafia sub-plot to me.
5. Maximum Overdrive Stephen King decided to forego the usual bastardization of his novels onto the big screen by making his directorial debut (and, thank God, d