Letters. We get letters. We get lots and lots of letters. LETTERS! (Editor’s note: Todd drums on his table for five minutes while Anton Fig plays along on his Zildjian cymbals. Todd throws a pencil at the camera and chews some gum.)
Time to open up the “Ol’ Daily Arts Mailbag ((c) 1891). It’s been a while so I need to clean the cobwebs off and please excuse any out-of-date questions, the “Ol’ Daily Arts Mailbag” ((c) 1891) hasn’t been officially opened since 1892 and that was because Grampa McFeely couldn’t find his wooden dentures, and we all know how Mama McFeely gets when she’s angry. Thank goodness the paper-mill teeth were in his pocket the whole time. Man, I love tellin’ that story.
Anyway, back to the letters … our first letter comes from Jack Bauer of Los Angeles, Calif. Jack asks:
Hey Arts, whatever happened to the “Ol’ Daily Arts Mailbag” ((c) 1891)? I miss that thang. It always kept me company during those long nights after my mistress killed my wife. And then when I died, came back to life and saved the world from WWIII. By the way, Elisha Cuthbert is hot!
Good question, Agent Bauer. And I think you’re reading the answer. As for the Cuthbert-is-hot-comment; we’ll get to that one a little later.
And now one from Francis Ford Coppola of West Bloomfield, Michigan:
Michigan Daily, Nice job on the Obie Trice CD review. Way to represent the D! – Frankie (P.S. Go see my little Sofia’s new movie this weekend!)
Umm, thanks Mr. Coppola.
The next piece of correspondence comes all the way from Detroit. Here’s what Drexl Spivey had to say:
Hey Arts, I love the “Furious Five” feature running every Wednesday, keep up the good work. But I’m really writing because I was just watching E! News Live with Giuliana and Patrick Stinson. They were talking ’bout that whole Jen-Ben breakup thing, which is so hot right now, and apparently Daredevil’s publicist is blaming your newspaper for the dissolvement of their rumored nuptials. What up wit dat?
Yes, Drexl, it is true. Bennifer is no more because of us. (Suddenly “Daily Arts Mailbag” ((c) 1891) stalwart Regis Philbin bursts into the room, giggling and prancing like a wee little school girl. Regis whispers something into my ear. I then realize it’s not the real Philbin but Dana Carvey doing his Philbin impression. Man, Dana needs another “Wayne’s World” flick to be made. Don’t we all. Anyway…) Breaking news, Mr. Spivey. Ben & Jen are back! We are responsible for that as well. And we are responsible for Benjamin’s recent gun permit purchase down in Georgia. I have a J-Lo shooting gallery in my house just for your target practice, B-Af. Our three charter members Jayson Williams, Robert Blake and Phil Spector haven’t been around lately for some reason, and there’s lots of room.
Moving on to the next letter:
Dearest Dan, My boyfriend and I used to have sex all the time everywhere we went. Bathrooms, movie theaters, the photo booth at Noah’s Arcade, everywhere! Now he just can’t get it up for me without an adult video in the VCR. With his collection of hermaphroditic spanking porn slowly building, I’m starting to wonder is there something wrong with me? Is this normal? – Sadly Ignored Girl Maybe Accepting Consensual He/she Intercourse
Well, SIGMACHI, I think you have the wrong address. But if I may interject for a second, as a lifelong enthusiast of hermaphroditic spank-core, you should take it easy on the guy, no one’s perfect. Except for Bea Arthur, of course.
And now to conclude the “Ol’ Daily Arts Mailbag” ((c) 1891) this week, a letter from Larry Sellers, hailing from North Hollywood on Radford, near the In-and-Out Burger. Little Larry Sellers writes:
Longtime reader, first-time writer. Ever hear of a little invention called the TV, Mr. Arts Section? I distinctly remember your coverage of the Grammys last year and Daily alum Luke Smith’s laments on AWK’s loss in the Best New Artist category when he wasn’t even nominated. And then there was J-school Grad-hag Andy Taylor-Fabe’s response to the Oscars and his prompt resignation to join the Michael Moore Liberation Army. Yet, where’s the Emmy coverage? It’s been four days and not even a peep on the big night for “Everybody Loves Raymond” or the remembrance to John Ritter. Sure, the best four shows on TV (“The Wire,” “The Shield,” “Boomtown” and “Six Feet Under”) combined for a single trophy, but like I said “Raymond” is hilarious and it finally picked up that Best Comedy award. Romano’s “hipster” sitcom is so much funnier than those innovative comedies on HBO (“Curb Your Enthusiasm” and “Sex and the City”). There, I just wrote your coverage. Good day to you, Sir, (P.S. Do you have any of those “School of Rock” passes left? My girlfriend really likes JB. Thanks.)
You’re right, Larry. We dropped the ball on that one. I would like to add two points of analysis to your coverage: Bill Cosby equals cool, and Elisha Cuthbert is hot!
– Todd thanks everyone for the outpouring of letters and apologizes for those that didn’t make it into our “Ol’ Daily Arts Mailbag” ((c) 1891). And Walter, the In-and-Out Burger is on Camrose. Todd can be hit up at email@example.com.