*Should not actually be read separately.

Paul Wong
Uhl Get Nothing Like It

1. Do not skip ahead. You must read every number sequentially except the next one, which should be read last. Follow the rules. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200 because you”re not playing fricking Monopoly. Sheesh.

2. I told you not to read this yet. Go back to the beginning, please. (The beginning”s down below in No. 3).

Prefatory explanation/rationalization for all this rootin” “n” tootin” “n” silliness that should not be read until the end: (Stop now, I”m serious. I”ll tell Mom.) It”s the conclusion of the columnist and relevant editors, readers and call-in voters that this column has been dreadfully mishandled, wasted even. So much space has been given to developing points and elaborating discussion that there were not nearly enough yo”mamma jokes, cheap puns, stories with monkeys or senseless threats directed toward high-ranking state officials. If you”re actually reading this after having read the rest of column and not BREAKING THE RULES, you already know there were no yo” mamma jokes, cheap puns, stories with monkeys or senseless threats. And you would also know that, while it wasn”t quite the same thing as making threats, I made fun of a high-ranking state official, which you probably thought was at least amusing, because it was. Gosh that was funny, wasn”t it? Let”s do that again sometime. (Stop now before you embarrass yourself any more and ruin your fun taboot by spoiling all the jokes.) Now, this has been the columnist”s back-to-basics installment, the basics in this case being a couple impromptu word games/fun with a news photo of a(n) (in)famous politician. This column has been void of any thematic continuity or lessons you can apply to life.

3. (This is the beginning.) Whuduya say we play a game? Wouldya like that? K., here it goes: Make as many phrases as you can from this mesh of letters I”ll fashion now with a random, sloppy, swiping motion of my hands across the keyboard ytnvmaltypqahalgwaetrohratrvbtioatvtanryu. Watch, I”ll go first … we put hay on T.V. tan my ham any hot rat in the mall to my Aunt Roy with love bring me her nay-nay pea-yoo, b.o. wa-ha-ha, troh-la-la, yip! I go to Hell now? Heck, I could do this all day (no longer playing letter game). And if I did (transitioning), I might find that there is a nearly infinite number of times that I could I do this, an infinite number of statements I could make. Which is basically the same as saying (postulating) that there is an infinite number of ideas I could express. I could make a whole new language out of just those 42 fucking letters! Think about that in your pipe and smoke it.

4. This is probably already getting dull (especially if you broke the rules and read No. 2 just goes to show that people who don”t follow the rules will always be bored) and so in this next game please refer to the G.W. photo above and to the right.

It goes a little sumthin” like this: What did he just say?

The test scores came back, so I know my I.Q. now.

America will not apologize to the Chinese, because I want to start a war. A great war. A World War …

Know how many times a day the First Lady gives me head?

5. More fun with pictures of politicians and words: Let”s take the letters from in that photo seal of the president of the united states and apply the lessons of step No. 3 (this isn”t going anywhere). GO! Police often hit seals slit it on the ass it”s up on the tit, see? that”s eel shit on there union”s are lame the Id is on top here. Just think of all the things that the Seal of the President of the United States stands for!

To play, send your answers in a self-addressed envelope to “John” at juhl@umich.edu. Prizes will vary according to the creativity of the answer and weight of the envelope.

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