I”ve got this little tape of Che Guevara songs I brought back from Mexico. I listen to it practically nightly, one because I want to keep up my Spanish, two because it reminds me of Che”s steadfast independence and idealism and three because it”s a pleasant distraction. As a cultural production, this celebratory and mournful eulogy to one fallen revolutionary is too far removed from my modes of behavior to seem real. Communism? “Chuh,” says the Gen-Y package opener.

Paul Wong
This Postmodern World<br><br>Josh Wickerham

Che talked about mass movements, militancy and revolutionizing the established order. That”s something I”d be in favor of, but it”s just too much work. It”s something BAM-N (the By Any Means Necessary affirmative action group, for those who”ve been in a hole) talks about too. But it”s just so much silliness. In the words of Homer Simpson, “You know our Bart”s a little miracle, with his little button nose, his fat little stomach. He reminds me of me before the weight of the world crushed my spirit.”

I have no problem with socialists. Communists don”t really bother me either. They”re like flies on the wall. If we wanted to eradicate every last one of them, it wouldn”t be that tough.

It was a little harder to kill communists in Che”s days. His revolutionary ideals seemed much more potent and simple back then. But no one seems quite up to seizing the means of production these days, and with good reason. Communists squandered their chance. No one seems threatened by them. If anything, we University students get practically orgasmic knowing there are still commie operatives out there fighting the class war.

So what are the communists doing trying to steal the show away from affirmative action supporters?

Those communists. It seems all we hear about are the communists and their ties to the Revolutionary Worker”s League. I say, to quote The Michigan Review”s great El Senor Guipe, “Fooey!”

There is something much more sinister going on here.

It”s clear that BAMN has greater motives than simply bringing affirmative action to its rightful place in higher education. I say the top dogs in this “student organization” are not really communists, nor do they really care about affirmative action. It becomes obvious to anyone who”s watched as many “X-Files” episodes as I did in my youth (gee, I sound old) that some of BAM-N”s leading members are working for the FBI.

n Luke non-student, mic-grabbing, “I”ll-challenge-you-to-a-debate-any-time” Massie of the Detroit-based RWL and one of the intricately-tied BAM-N higher-ups on campus, has been arrested many times over the years, yet has gotten off every time. His daddy isn”t a judge. How does he do it?

n Massie said he volunteers 60 hours a week for BAM-N, but doesn”t get paid. He told the Daily he lives off an inheritance and occasionally works as an investigator for the Detroit law firm Scheff & Washington. “Shuh!,” says I! That sounds like what Arnold Schwarzenegger said to his wife in “True Lies” when he was really going off to fight neo-Commie scuzzlebugs for the government.

n Luke”s sister Miranda works, but one would think she”d benefit from the inheritance just like her brother and wouldn”t have to work. Why doesn”t Mr. Massie have to work?

n BAM-N leader Jessica Curtin has been a student here for at least five years. I hear FBI scholarships pay well.

n Jessica Curtin is not human. I”m utterly convinced she”s from the same planet as Steve Forbes. Just as Michael Moore pointed out in “The Big One” that Forbes regularly speaks for two minutes or more without blinking, Curtin regularly speaks for two minutes or more without breathing. Confronting her in conversation is like confronting a projectile vomitist who has just downed a bottle of syrup of ipecac.

This much I know to be true: The FBI, or the NSA, or any other acronym-guided government agency with clearance, has a legitimate interest in discrediting leftist organizations. They have an interest in burrowing themselves deep and reporting back to the Dick Cheneys of the world. And from BAM-N”s history, it”s obvious that they”re quite adept at breaking up student group meetings, something else law enforcement takes an interest in. Just look at Michigan State, which last year put in a full-time cop just to monitor student groups. We have no reason not to think we”re already being watched.

I see through BAM-N and their rhetoric. What century do they think they”re in? Communists had their chance and U.S. history makers selected them for extinction. The U.S. government wouldn”t so blatantly fund a communist organization unless it was just a front for their own needs. Marxism makes sense only when applied in a purely theoretical world where power relations aren”t involved. Giving a Marxist power makes as much sense as handing the constitution over to a right-wing theocracy.

Oh crap. I forgot. That already happened.

When it”s all fantasy, the government can be as tyrannical as our minds will allow. As soon as it becomes real, we”ve already capitulated.

Josh Wickerham can be reached via e-mail at jwickerh@umich.edu.Tune in next week for: “How one more terrorist action will send us spiraling into martial law,” or, “How the airlines got me to visit a boyfriend in New York with $90 plane fare.”

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