Sportswriters love making predictions. And with all of 2007 ahead, there are plenty to make. I’m making no guarantees, but don’t be surprised to see any of the following news briefs tick across the bottom of your TV screen throughout the next 12 months.
– Lloyd Carr pinches himself, realizes Michigan’s 32-18 Rose Bowl loss was not a nightmare.
– Following the recent news that general manager Matt Millen will be retained for at least one more year, no Lions’ season tickets are purchased.
– Construction on Charlie Weis Stadium begins after the coach once again reiterates he is in South Bend for the long haul. The stadium becomes the only thing in South Bend bigger than the coach himself.
– Construction on Charlie Weis Stadium halts after the coach accepts an offer to become head coach of the New York Giants.
– University President Mary Sue Coleman introduces a new revenue stream for the University: luxury boxes in Angell Hall.
– Finally bowing to the pressure of fans, Lions owner William Clay Ford reneges on his early promise, firing Matt Millen. Agents of graduating wide receivers rush to cancel leases on new Porsches and sell condos in Florida.
– After 72 hours of ESPN special coverage, the crisis is over: Brett Favre will not retire
– Indiana super-freshman Greg Oden crushes Courtney Sims on way to 30-point, 15-rebound, 10-block performance … in the first half.
– The Michigan hockey team shows up to a big game.
– The White Stripes cancel their tour after Jack White injures himself playing as Joel Zumaya in a Nintendo Wii baseball game.
– In a shocking move, the Lions hire Detroit legend Isiah Thomas to run the team (into the ground). Knicks fans rejoice; New York columnists and back-page headline writers weep.
– Excited by Michigan’s thrilling run to the NIT finals, Athletic Director Bill Martin signs coach Tommy Amaker to a life long contract. Martin also purchases a hotel near Madison Square Garden, noting it will make things much easier in the long run.
– Ten people watch the NHL playoffs, and hockey officials celebrate that the fanbase has doubled. Only a few more until it tops that of lawn bowling.
– Impressed by Dwayne Jarrett’s Rose Bowl performance, Isiah Thomas selects him with the No. 2 pick in the NFL draft. “A good wide receiver is like a shoot-first point guard, you can never have too many,” Thomas said.
– Greg Oden once again crushes Courtney Sims. This time it’s on his way to the podium, after being picked first in the NBA Draft.
– New sports movie comes out. The underdogs prevail.
– Mark McGwire is elected to baseball’s hall of fame. Unfortunately, he can never be officially inducted because his head will not fit on a plaque.
– Upset with the poor quality of hot dog buns, the competitive eating union strikes. Scabs cross the picket line as replacement eaters, not intimidated by star Takeru Kobayashi.
– Tiki Barber quits hosting talk show after one month. He expresses a desire to go out on top and explore other avenues, like playing football.
– Bench-clearing brawl breaks out at a game between the Kansas City Royals and Chicago White Sox. Round-the-clock coverage on ESPN does not ensue.
– In an effort to further crack down on excessive celebration, the NFL bans smiling.
– College football coach says he isn’t going to leave his school. He stays.
– George Steinbrenner sells old World Series trophies to help raise $75 million needed to purchase the rights to look at a fire-throwing lefty from Tibet. Rumor has it the southpaw is as a good as Sid Finch.
– Bengals equipment manager arrested.
– Commissioner David Stern announces the NBA will add MTV Rock N’ Jock’s 50-point basket to help increase scoring. The rule is removed after the new year.
– Lloyd Carr pinches himself after beating Ohio State, realizes it isn’t a dream.
– Have your own predictions for 2007? E-mail Herman at email@example.com.