Sitting here on the brink of spring break (and being the day before spring break, I realize no one is reading this) in the second semester of my senior year, having just come through several papers, a tormenting series of midterms and a harrowing stack of law school applications, I”m sitting around doing nothing for the first time since December. And it”s starting to sink in that I won”t be around here much longer. So, since it”s now five hours past my deadline and no one is reading this anyway, here”s a list of some of the lessons I learned in college.
Squirrels are fun!
During my time living in West Quad, there were a number of squirrels that spent a good deal of their time on the roof outside my window. Never one to miss a chance to get bitten by something, my roommate decided it was a great idea to feed the squirrels and soon we had some regulars, hanging out at the window at all hours eagerly waiting for the crackers and peanut butter my roommate liked to give them. He even tried putting the food into his own mouth and letting the squirrels eat out of it. He really liked doing this and continued to even after the inevitable bite he received. He”s lucky to be alive.
Don”t use that bathroom in Angell Hall.
You know the one I”m talking about. That one with the two-foot high stall doors and stencil-painted warnings not to try anything funny. One night a friend of mine was working late in the Angell computing site and had the great misfortune of using that bathroom at about 2 a.m. While standing at one of the urinals, the door to the bathroom suddenly burst open and in walked a large, dreadlocked man wearing a T-shirt. Just a T-shirt. He was babbling unitelligibly, but my friend figured this wasn”t too big of a deal and he”d just finish up and leave. But within a few seconds, his pantsless visitor began urinating on the floor. My friend just thought, “OK, no problem, I”ll be out of here soon.” Before long though, Mr. No Pants laid down face first in his rapidly expanding pool and began flailing about. As my friend was trying to leave, carefully making his way past the newly formed puddle, edging carefully toward the door, the man on the floor began violently defecating, the shit arcing through the air.
North Campus is a good place to sleep.
I don”t know from experience, but it must be true. I”ve spent the last several nights studying in the Media Union and never are any less than a third of the people there sleeping. And sleeping for hours, they”re sleeping when I get there and sleeping when I leave. You always hear engineers complaining about how much more studying they have to do than the rest of us, but obviously your studying takes longer when you include five-hour naps.
Never go to the Nectarine.
Obnoxious patrons, drug-dealing, stabbings, police raids, what doesn”t this place have? Whether you”re looking to dance the night away or get carried out on a stretcher, this is the place to be. I guess the drinks are OK if a bit pricey and you can use the girls bathroom and no one seems to mind.
Never go to co-op parties.
After attending several in the past few months, I haven”t had one good experience yet. Lame music, guys in drag, no beer, there have been problems at all of them. One even turned out to be some sort of Christian group-sponsored bash. Woohoo, or something.
Parties in your own house suck.
At least the day after. There”s a thin layer of sticky beer residue on everything and assorted puddles of things you can”t identify (and probably wouldn”t want to) and unless you have a psychotic roommate (thanks Kirk), you”re cleaning it up. And after going all out at your own house, you”re usually not feeling too good.
Oppenheimer properties is Satan.
If you”ve ever wanted a paper-thin door to your room with two inch spaces between it and the top and bottom of the frame, Oppenheimer is who you”re looking for. Or perhaps having a floor that gently bows upward and ceiling that gently bows down is more your style. Well, you”re in luck, Oppenheimer has plenty of those too. Or maybe you like having a stove dragged into your bedroom one morning at 6 a.m. because the building inspector is coming and your house isn”t supposed to have as many people as it does and Oppenheimer needs it to look like a kitchen, now!
I apologize for writing one of these retarded, “here”s my collected useless wisdom” columns, but honestly, if you”re actually reading this, you”ve likely gone to class the Friday before spring break, and you”re one of about five. If you feel cheated by the lameness of this column, e-mail me and I”ll send you some pictures of my old roommate feeding squirrels out of his mouth.
Peter Cunniffe”s column runs every other Friday. Give him feedback at www.michigandaily.com/forum or via e-mail at email@example.com.