In the name of an obscure Catholic martyr, most of our world will be splattered with a variety of paper hearts, confections and hastily assembled mix-tapes. There are an endless number of trite, trite ways to show your affection and devotion to your Valentine. Of course, you’ve known about these since primary school. In the name of a fresh and personal February 14th, here’s a brief list of activities to get you into a mood of romantic bliss. -Evan McGarvey

Jess Cox
(Courtesy of Columbia)

1 Retreat into a world of drugs

Reject love and camp out indoors nursing a bottle of Gin. Proceed to watch both seasons of HBO’s majestic, drawn-out drug drama “The Wire.” Since you can never watch just one episode of the show and learn anything (let alone catch the endless metaphors for coke dealing), you’ll have plenty of excuses to avoid the chirpy couples fluttering outside.

2 Screen poorly chosen films

Buy your sweetheart a slew of awkward movies. Think “Wild Things,” “Amistad,” “Cruel Intentions 3” or “Happiness.” Then try and make out with them during the most stunningly awkward moment (threesome, everything about slavery, the whole movie, child molestation). You’ll look totally sensitive! Even better, take them to see “Match Point” and show them that they’ll never be as gorgeous as Scarlett Johansson or Jonathan Rhys-Myers.

3 Put it in perspective

Share a moment of literary grace with your lover. Buy them Joan Didion’s memoir “The Year of Magical Thinking.” It’s all about her husband and daughter dying within one year. Totally puts that little spat you had a week back into perspective. Or not.

4 Take solace in other pathetic kids

Take your sweetie to the cheapest, most enriching place on campus: the Diag. Point out people with horrible fashion sense, horrible music taste and general artistic beliefs that clash with your own. Join together in your mutual distaste for the cultural serfs of the University. Write about it constantly. Now you can work for us!

5 Pretend like you care

OK, snark attitude aside, there are some wonderful ways to spend your St. Valentine’s Day. Go to the museum. Read Keats aloud to your lover. Share coffee and your feelings as snow covers all the pretty buildings. Post on your LiveJournal. Update your Facebook relationship status. Pretend like people care about your social life. Go to sleep.

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