Best of the University: All the things you voted for, and are afraid to fess up to, be prepared to learn what University students really care about.
Best Campus Tradition: Naked Mile If there”s anything better than college co-eds running through the streets in the buff it”s being the amateur pornographer who is putting it on the internet for $3.95 a week.
Best Campus Event: Football Saturdays Fans sitting to watch future Major League baseball players play football. I smell irony.
Best Speaker (past year): Jesse Jackson He never meant to make your daughter cry, though he can rhymes better than Aurthor Miller. The civil rights pioneer is always welcome back.
Best Course: Psych 111 Won last year. Won this year. Will win again next year. It”s the weeder class for the psych department, I promise.
Best Blow-Off course: Psych 111 It wins the best course, and then wins the best blow off, I think the students are trying to send a message to administration. More courses like sorority girl, easy.
Best Professor: Ralph Williams Hey, it”s a special treat when you can teach like hell, touch your knees standing straight up, and palm two medicine balls. All hats down for Ralph.
Best Lecture Hall: 1800 Chem But, it”s so big. I know baby, I know it is. If we start slow you”ll get used to it, it”s a long walk to the front row, but we”ll get there.
Best Bathroom: Angel Hall There are more urinals in here than I can shake my stick at. And a dozen sinks to boot. Watch the zipper, stuff like that hurts.
Best Residence Hall: South Quad A big brunch, and a big bunch of athletes make this a hot spot to canvas the on-campus muscle. Oh, is that Drew Henson? Wow, that”s a nice Land Rover.
Best Residence Hall Cafeteria: Bursley Up in the Bur-lodge the sexy grandpa roams free, serving some of the University”s finest in pre-packaged cuisine.
Best Co-op: Michigan House This co-op is tolerable, sexy and ready to step to the podium and take home the gold for this best of.
Best Student Group: Blue Party Since everyone here is liberal, I dunno how the hell they win all the time. I think it”s those T-shirts and khakis they are always sporting.
Best Frat to Party With: Beta Theta Pi Big jeans, big muscles, aw shit, I dunno these jokers are probably the smoothest group of criminals on campus, pimpin” the ladies leavin” their heads ringing.
Best Sorority to Party With: Delta Gamma The DG”s know how to dance and swing with the best of them. Actually, I don”t know if they do, I”m a hermit.
Best Place to Study: Law Library It”s oh-so-quiet. Turn off your Bjork CD and get some work done. Just because you are taking German pass/fail doesn”t mean you should slack. Dad, is that you?
Best Library: Graduate Library For reasons why this is the best library on campus, head to the Best of Dating section. It will open your eyes, where as the grad library opens something else. I”m talking about your mind. You perverts.
Best Computing Center: Angell Hall Fishbowl This is like asking patrons at Outback Steakhouse what their favorite meat is that they serve. The fishbowl has more computers in its entryway than any other lab on campus. I move to strike this topic from the Best Of next year.
Best Place to Work Out: CCRB It”s here, IM building or the NCRB. This is a no-brainer. See previous.
Best Student Job: Library Assistant Standing at a counter with a nose in a book, getting paid $10 an hour on work-study does sound pretty sweet. I quit.
Best Athlete (male): Drew Henson In addition to batting sub-.300 and getting paid $18 million or so over the next 6 years, he”s also the recipient of “best athlete.” Yeah, we certainly voted on these before you bolted.
Best Athlete (female): Elise Ray You crazy little Olympian you. We”re all so so proud. Vaulting, and doing that thing on the uneven bars. Stick those landings.
Best Sports Team: football Uh, what did you expect to get picked broomball. It”s the University of Michigan. We must put this topic on here to stroke our own egos.
Best Sports Tradition: Hockey chants at Yost Arena Making noise, making no-oy-se. This is the part where My Name is Jonas really starts to rock.
Best Thing About Football Saturday: (tie) tailgating and winning Well next season at least one of these is automatic. There”s always drunk tailgaters at the Big House.