Mr. and Mrs. Mary Markley
Destination: Acapulco

If you spent your freshman year hiking back and forth from the Hill, you not only lost countless hours of your life avoiding construction and trekking across that damn bridge, but there’s also a 90 percent chance you’ve spent at least one spring break in Acapulco. After hitting Cancun or the Bahamas – depending on how protective your parents were – during your high school senior spring break, Acapulco seemed like the next logical step in your spring break maturation. And nothing says mature like Mexico! Just try to avoid the water, and the cabs, and the produce and the warring drug cartels – those fuckers will get’cha.

The “I-Like-Nature-And-Want-To-Tell-You-About-It” Guy
Destination: Colorado

Heading to Mexico or another traditional spring break locale was never really an option for you, was it? So instead of getting a margarita made in your mouth in a country devoid of squirrels, you head to the Rockies to ski and take pictures on the summit of Ajax for your Facebook profile. But while you know your trip out west easily beats its Caribbean counterpart, you can’t resist the urge to constantly gloat about witnessing “God’s beauty” while throwing “majestic” and “opulent” into every other clause once you get back home. We get it. It’s nice there. Now go to Zermatt and take a picture in front of the Matterhorn – then I’ll be impressed.

The Good Samaritan
Destination: Alternative spring break

Well aren’t you such a wonderful motherfucker, using your valuable spring break time to help out those in need. Sorry buddy, but you’re not fooling me. Actually, I’m just a little jealous. Not only do you get to go on a relatively cheap trip to one of the ‘Guays, but you can also put it on your resume and convince yourself into thinking you’re actually helping people by kicking a soccer ball around with some unfortunate kid who’s wearing a Chicago Bears 2007 Super Bowl Champions shirt. Just realize, I’m on to you.

The Slow times at Ridgemont High Class of ’05
Destination: Cancun

OK, so your parents wouldn’t let you go anywhere exotic when you were in high school and now you’re ready to make up for lost time. Odds are you didn’t live in Alice Lloyd and aren’t in the Greek system but flirted with the idea of it years back, and now you just want to hit Cancun because Jerry Springer did in ’99. But don’t let MTV fool you. Cancun is for kids, well, high school kids at least. On the bright side, you could probably chaperone your little cousin’s high school trip at the same time, which could be OK, as long as you’re cool with people calling you “Mom” now and again.

The P.A.R.T.Y. Guy
Destination: Daytona Beach

In the series finale of “Da Ali G Show,” Sacha Baron Cohen’s somewhat forgotten alias Bruno spends spring break in Daytona Beach, Fl., where he gets wrestling tips from an RV full of amateur wrestlers. After eliciting some excessive pectoral flexing and one too many suplexes, Bruno reveals that he’s reporting for Austrian Gay TV, and, well, the wrestlers aren’t too thrilled. So by my calculations, you’re either a gay Austrian TV personality or a vehement homophobe that’s into grappling dudes on the beach. I’ll let you decide where you fall on this one.

The Superfan
Destination: Ann Arbor and Happy Valley

Some people see spring break as a time to get away and relax, but for you, it’s time off to keep up with your powerhouse college basketball team. After two home games against Illinois and Northwestern, you head out to Happy Valley for the March, 1, game against Penn State for Michigan’s last Big Ten road game of the season. With the NCAA Tournament just a few weeks away, you’re anxious to see how your team will perform down the stretch and can’t think of a better way to kill a mid-February week in the Midwest. In other news, Bonnie Blair just won gold in the 500m at the ’92 Albertville Games and Bill Clinton is scheduled to perform on “Arsenio” tonight.

The Tagalong
Destination: Visiting your boy/girlfriend studying abroad:

After a couple months of life in Ann Arbor without your significant other, you make the questionable decision to cash in your frequent flier miles and head for your other half’s new home. Now either you’ve got some legitimate separation issues or you’re really into gelato, but either way I’m concerned for you. You might be a semi-rational person, but don’t fool yourself into thinking your old friend is the same as when he or she left. If you’re going to Europe, you’ll just have to accept that your host now smokes during meals, subscribes to NME and continually debates the merits of Henry over Kaka. But at least you’ll go home with a few more stamps in your passport, which is nice.

The Homebody
Destination: Home

Your friends might be hassling you for spending your spring break at home, but they just can’t grasp the true genius of your spring break abstinence. By not going anywhere, you’re successfully avoiding this unfair categorization and won’t have to pay for meals for a week. You are one savvy traveler, err, non-traveler. Either that or you have no friends – it’s 50/50.

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