There were big riots in East Lansing on Saturday night, and I couldn’t confirm this, but I think it was in celebration of my intramural flag football team’s championship the previous day.
After four years of disappointment and heartbreak, Team Globo Gym finally did it. Couch burning, naturally, was in order.
Either that, or the fine citizens of East Lansing were excited about that other game this weekend. In fact, these two teams — these two champions — share a similar story.
For years, my No. 1 goal at school was to win an intramural championship. Last year, in the softball finals, I popped out with the bases loaded in the last inning, stranding the winning run. It has haunted me since.
Michigan State has gone through a championship drought, and to a lesser degree, Michigan has too. I can empathize. It gnaws at your soul.
So as the year started, and Michigan set its sights on a Big Ten title, and the Spartan defense began its dominance, I set my heart on the flag football championship. Our quarterback and coach practiced on the Arch Street asphalt, perfecting timing and routes. They watched film on Drew Brees to imitate his footwork and vision. I’m not making this up.
We were ready, with a roster refined over the years and supplemented by emergency alternates Nithin — our child-genius roommate, future doctor and good sport — and my girlfriend. But, this being the Michigan intramurals, our march to a title wasn’t without controversy.
For Michigan State, the bad break came in the form of dubious pass interference calls against Notre Dame.
For us, it was the age-old football bugaboo: knitted tassels. In the playoffs, our quarterback was sent off for wearing a tasseled winter hat. Tassels, apparently, are not allowed in football, lest the game devolve into anarchy. But we survived Tasselgate and moved on.
We then survived an opening-round battle against a talented group of first-year medical students. Then we got hot and won our next two games en route to the finals, buoyed mostly by a forfeit, and, critically, a second forfeit. The finals were so close we could taste it.
In our way was a rather large group of grown men, apparently in the MBA program. Several had played Division I football. But, much like Michigan State, our defense carried us. We won 13-0, our first shutout of the season.
The T-shirt was ours. I may have had one or two happier moments in my life, but if so, they haven’t yet come to mind. For the moment, I could ignore the scandal that got us there.
Before we delve into that, let’s rehash that other game this weekend, involving our academic neighbors to the northwest. Remember this game as that time you, proud Michigan fan, were really tempted to sing Michigan State’s fight song. By beating Ohio State in the Big Ten Championship Game, the Spartans earned a trip to the Rose Bowl. Also of note: Michigan State was likely a pass interference call against Notre Dame away from a shot at the national championship.
That’s unfortunate for them, but, as Sports Illustrated reported from Indianapolis, that mattered approximately not at all in the moment. They hadn’t won the championship, but a championship was enough.
And that’s where these two stories intersect. I neglected to mention the game-throwing scandal that put our Team Globo Gym in position to win the championship in the first place.
In our first game of the season, we lost a tight 55-7 game against the Michigan football team’s managers. The team was effectively unbeatable. So, like the smart, industrious college students we are, we concocted a plot. We would throw our final game to ensure a 1-2 record, sending us to the Men’s ‘A’ consolation round, where our path to immortality and free T-shirts wouldn’t cross that of the managers.
But how to do it? Have Nithin chug a bottle of Jack Daniels in the backfield, earning a disqualification? Have Nithin spew expletives at the referees until we were charged with the loss?
Ultimately we just decided to show up late, but not too late that we couldn’t still play a practice game. The plan worked, and we won the T-shirt of course, and you know what? It felt just as sweet.
And that’s the point. The Big Ten, at least in the near future, is stuck in the consolation bracket. The SEC, like the football managers, remains unbeatable for now.
But there’s a reason why Michigan State didn’t care about any of that, and why Michigan coach Brady Hoke says the Big Ten title is his goal. It may be a consolation, but it doesn’t feel like it.
And more importantly, I hear the Big Ten champions get T-shirts, too.
-Helfand can be reached at zhelfand@umich.edu or on Twitter @zhelfand.