Mary-Kate Olsen, let me tell you, is a fame-monger and a hanger-on and several other hyphenated words that I simply can”t publish in a family oriented paper. She is loathsome and should not be on television, children”s videos, picture books, and, for the love of all that is holy, she should not be part of a lucrative Walmart clothing campaign. She is an untalented rube that has been riding the eloquent coattails of her ber-talented sister, the lovely and charming Ashley Olsen.

Paul Wong
Even at the beach, the Olsens have little time to relax.<br><br>Courtesy of DualStar

Ashley was the first hired for the star-making turn as Michelle Tanner on the Emmy-winning pantheon of family television shows, “Full House.” Yet Ashley”s happiness was placed in a strangle hold by her Joan Crawford-esque shrew of a mother (a woman this reporter would sooner destroy with a staple gun than have a mocha latte with). Mommy Destroy-Ashley”s-career-ist held the show”s producers hostage with insane demands about how it was “too much work” for a one-year-old girl, and how both daughters should take turns, simply because they look alike.

Oh, boo-hoo, Mrs. Olsen, cry me a frickin” river. She”s acting, not working in wheat field! How hard is it to look beautiful for the camera (which she certainly did). How many breaks for “feeding” and “napping” does one one-year-old need? Yet the spineless producers caved under the tyrannical pressure of Mary-Kate”s “agent.” Ashley”s solo career was usurped by the lifeless slug that was her sister.

How much mail do you suppose ABC received about this? How many people furious over the bait and switch. When Ashley was on screen, giving the thumbs up and saying “dude” (an ad-lib, which puts her on par with Robin Williams and Jonathan Winters) my television sparkled like a diamond that had been spit-shined by a man with sparking siliva. Yet the drab, unintelligible Mary-Kate played her part as if by gunpoint, making even the most plesant sub-plots with Joey and Uncle Jesse play like amateur night at an amateur theater in Amateur Town.

While the young Ashley was taken in by the star power of her fellow players (Candice Cameron, my God!) and her sudden rise to stardom, she was virtually unaware of the havoc her mother and twisted sister wreaked on her blossoming career. Why do you think she never won an Emmy? Who should they give it to, her or her sister? How come she never got married? Her sister scared her suitors away, for Ashley could have nothing without Mary-Kate”s evil approval. (Yes, I know she”s only 13 years old, but you miss my point.)

Now that the stone pillar that is Ashley has just launched her own pre-teen magazine, it will come as no shock to you that Mary-Kate has joined her talented, adorable sister on the cover. Ashley, instead of allowing the other half of her shared fetus to crash and burn, continues to carry her talentless ass into stardom. Through her very sainthood she is destined to be damned to a life of films and movies of the week about twins, evil twins, or possibly going back a week or two in time to meet up with old self to right some wrong that happens in the next two weeks!

So, sweet Ashley, I beg you to drop the extra weight and begin the solo career you and your fans so richly deserve.

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