It”s three in the morning, and I have a deadline looming over my head that is less than fifteen hours away. It”s Valentines Day once again, I”ve been asked to write about sex and love and for some absurd reason I have nothing to say about these incredibly provoking themes. I live with 50 energetic, beautiful, young women, most of whom possess some sort of nymphomaniac tendency. Whether it be dinner conversations, late night talks or sassy e-mails, relationships and sex are the most whispered and screamed about topics that flow within these walls. I know more about scandalous rendezvous and hysterical cum faces than I need to, my friends, yet I can”t seem to bang out a simple column about college”s most favored subjects.
My question is: What is left to write about that hasn”t already been dragged out and butchered regarding Valentine”s Day and its various connotations? Sure, I could sit here and ponder the meaning of the entire phenomenon. I could scrutinize this day of love, this Hallmark holiday that puts unnecessary pressure on society to fake cheesy presents and mind-blowing orgasms. Or I could harass all the people that preach this negativity, saying they are just making excuses for their most likely single, miserable love lives. But you know what? We”ve heard it all before!
Every day, girls ask why guys are such jerks, while guys want to know what the hell we women want already! I am not even going to pretend that I know the answers, nor will I preach about some typical love topic that will make you turn the page by the time you reach my next paragraph. So, after struggling with this column for a week now, I have decided to literally walk you through my thoughts, my ideas, and my fantasies when it comes to love and sex.
I know you all want the sex talk first, so calm down, keep your pants zipped and listen up! All this chatter about “hearing it all before” and whatnot has brought me to the realization that beds are out like tapered jeans and it”s time to bring on a list of the craziest places on campus to get down and dirty! I”ve come up with a few good ones myself and gladly accept innovative ideas from the peanut gallery. Everyone wants to get naked in the stacks at least once before graduation, and it”s common knowledge that any laundry room will provide a fantastic venue for some fresh, clean bumpin” and grindin”.
I figure that if you attend this grand university, renowned for both its excellent academics and kick-ass athletics, you will definitely want to boast to all your grad school buddies about that steamy night on the 50-yard line of the Big House! Not to mention, anyone that can manage to seduce a professor receives a permanent A in my book, and you get a perfect 4.0 if you can play the Mrs. Robinson game on the 50 yard line!
Years from now, we will look back on all those Valentines” Days that had meant the world to us at the time, but seem so trivial in the present. We will realize that all those years, we were just testing the tumultuous waters of love. We were opening our heart-shaped boxes of assorted chocolates and taking little bites of each, trying to figure out what tasted right and what we really wanted. And once the casual sex days dwindle and our virginities are taken away with the winds of time, we will have a new form of love to look forward to: The type that doesn”t get left behind in private cubicles of the Grad or with the other scraps of uneaten chocolate. The kind that we never thought we would ever feel. The love we thought we found a thousand times before we really did. That is the love that lasts, that is the love we will be able to celebrate today and every day.
What do I think of Valentine”s Day? I feel that it is indeed a Hallmark holiday that puts unnecessary pressure on men and women to outdo each other in romantic creativity. I strongly believe that we should express our love for each other every day and that it should not take flowers and candy to prove our feelings. Yet, I would never harp on a day that simply asks us to feel and to love and to smile because someone out there feels the same way. I cannot bring myself to hate this day because, frankly, I know what its like to be in love. I know the sensation of loving someone so much, and needing their presence so badly, that the heart aches at each thought of not being near them. Honestly, we all want a little lovin” sometimes a bit of recognition that all the effort we put into our relationships can be returned unconditionally. So, I”ll take the roses, the chocolate and the teddy bears. Bring on the fancy dinners, the red hearts and the crazy sex! Let”s accept the big day for what it really is: an unnecessary, cheesy, blown out of proportion holiday where we simply have to let down our guard and experience the most powerful emotion ever discovered.
Any scandalous ideas? e-mail Rena at firstname.lastname@example.org.