Earth is populated by roughly six billion assclowns. Hitherto, all attempts to shrink this number have failed, but a glimmer of hope has come from our neighbors from across the pond.

J. Brady McCollough

On Jan. 4th, Scottish rugby star Budge Pountney stumbled upon the answer to all of the world’s problems.

Guys, wherever you are, sit down and take a deep breath.

After taking a forceful blow to the groin during an evening match, Pountney woke in the middle of the night to find that one of his testicles had split into two pieces. He was also bleeding internally.

“It was excruciating,” Pountney told The Scotsman, Scotland’s national newspaper. “Men will know the pain you get for five minutes or so when something flicks you there; well it just got worse and worse for me through the night. I ended up rolling around on the floor.”

Wow. Just try to take that image out of your head. I think I am going to have nightmares after writing those last few lines.

Pountney, a five-time national team captain that can slog with the best of them, is no stranger to injuries. But this was nothing like any of the catalogue of broken bones and torn ligaments he had experienced before. According to the Scottish Press, this one was different because it hit him, shall we say, closer to home.

“I was happy for them to take the testicle out just to get rid of the pain,” Pountney said. “But I am lucky it wasn’t the other one (this one was already partially damaged by a previous rugby accident), because that could have totally wrecked my life in terms of having family.

“It has kind of put things in perspective.”

Perspective, indeed.

One of the world’s best athletes just quit in his prime – cold turkey. And despite the fact that his surgeon cleared him to play just a few weeks after the incident, he has vowed to never pick up a ball again. NEVER!

Forget harnessing the power of weapons-grade plutonium, we have stumbled upon the most powerful force of all – massive genital trauma. If it can turn a crazy Scotsman (mind you they are a crazy bunch) away from money, fame and his life-long passion, there is no limit to its power.

It might take a Pountney-like blow to finally keep Michael Jordan retired. The Bulls built a statue of him outside their arena … then he came back and won three more rings. Twice, I watched the IMAX movie celebrating Jordan’s career … then he came back, AGAIN. One more flip-flop and his days of modeling for Hanes will be over.

It could make the members of the Lions’ and Tigers’ management teams re-think their “lose at all costs” credo. It could make LeBron James go to work full-time in a retro jersey factory. It could even turn Michael Jackson into a normal human being.

Its power is limited only by your imagination.

Senate hearings and accounting reform have done little to quell the recent outbreak of corporate malfeasance. But after an unexpected kick to the berries, I’m sure Kenneth Lay and Co. will be singing a different – and higher – tune.

Sadaam Hussein seems as though he is never going to stop. The international community has been searching high and low – using weapons inspectors, economic sanctions and the threat of a second gulf war – when the answer was hanging right around the tyrant’s middle all along.

Its applications are even more numerous here on the home front in Ann Arbor.

Do you need some motivation to get your professor to end lecture on time? Ever wonder what to do about that guy that put his germ-covered lips all over the drinking fountain?

Use the power of Scottish rugby, laddy!

Does your campus housing leave have more rats than perks? Are you unhappy with some political issue on campus?

Write your congressman. Or better yet – kick him in the nuts.

But after you do, stop and take a minute to think about Budge.

He made the ultimate sacrifice for the benefit of all mankind, and I will not let his cry go unheard.

Thank you Budge! You have shown us the true power of massive genital trauma. Thanks to this new tool, the world may never be the same again.

I can hear a couple billions assclowns begging for a new “perspective.”

Let’s give it to them – where it hurts.

Steve Jackson can be reached at sjjackso@umich.edu.

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