Heading into my last Halloween on campus (assuming I start attending class more frequently this semester), I knew I had to come up with a great costume to leave on top.
Past costumes had stolen the show at parties. Whether store bought (dressing as the red power ranger) or homemade (becoming fellow football writer Jack Herman for a night), I had a pretty decent track record with ending October in style.
Hell, I even had a colleague last year pose suggestions for sports-related Halloween costumes in a column of his own (sorry, Matt, this isn’t technically copying you because I’m funnier than you are.)
But alas, with all these resources around me, there I walked into a party surrounded by my two friends, Speed Racer and “God’s gift to women.” The meat of the creative-costume sandwich? Me, dressed in the clothes I wore to the football game and my press pass, trying to pass myself off as a journalist. I felt pathetic.
So even though most people bought my I’ve-been-too-busy-to-think-of-anything-clever excuse, it’s an experience others shouldn’t have to attempt. So, here’s my gift to you, the campus: a list of possible sports-related costumes to use in the future.
-Avid deer hunter? Have a camouflage outfit just lying around? Dress up as the Big Ten Network – nobody will be able to see you.
-Hunting not your thing? Are you more of an animal lover? That’s fine. You can find plenty of cute dog costumes at a local Halloween costume store. But if you go with that option, you might want to stay away from someone who takes my next suggestion .
-A Michael Vick costume. Walk around with a car battery and a kiddie pool full of water. Then, if you spot someone in a dog costume walking around, you can try electrocuting or drowning it.
-Feel slighted that you only have one option, crazy athletes who make awful life decisions? Don’t worry, I’ve got a few more. You could be Floyd Landis (all you need is a bicycle and the belief that people are stupid), Tim Donaghy (bet everyone you can drink more than them, or less or whatever your bookie wants you to bet) or just be Barry Bonds (too easy).
-Afraid not everyone will get your humor? Try having a more Michigan-centric theme. You could be Mike Hart (wear a really heavy backpack with “the Michigan football team” written on it. Then just carry it on your back all night long). How about John Beilein? (You may get hoarse, though, since you’ll just have to walk around saying ‘What the hell did I get myself into?’) Or you could make it really simple and be Ryan Mallett (just keep fumbling your drink).
-Still not sold on a costume? You could round up a bunch of friends, all dress up as blind squirrels with nuts in their hands and be the Appalachian State football team.
-Like the group costume idea? You could always go as a group of Michigan State students. Just stay away from libraries and keep saying, “Wait until basketball season.”
-I have a great idea for a Les Miles costume, but I guess that won’t be relevant until next year. Maybe I should just keep my not-so-stellar class attendance record going after all .
Bell would love to hear your suggestions. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.